In my last post, Extrovert, ADHD, Anxiety, Depression and Cooking, Kevin hadn’t yet gone to college, and I talked about how I was preparing and how I thought it would feel when he left. And now he has left. My thoughts:

Last Thursday I went to our financial guy to pick up a check for Kevin’s tuition. They told me I needed to be there by 4. I rushed out after a client and got there at 350. The security guard called up, and nobody answered. I texted my person, and she apologized. She was at another office and didn’t know that the office closed at 330. I was annoyed and left. 

On Friday, I rushed down after a session and got there at 320, supposedly with time for a check to be printed. The security guard tried to buzz me up and nobody answered. He figured that everyone left early for the holiday. I was angry with him and texted my financial person again and wasn’t very nice. My schedule is tight, and planning two unsuccessful trips was frustrating. I even felt a bit desperate, as my life is overwhelming, and I’m responsible for so much.

Don’t lose it

I have been pivoting on a dime since Stephanie was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. And I’ve been good natured and calm everywhere and with everyone. Things that used to bother me just don’t. I don’t have the time or energy to get annoyed at stupid junk. I just move on.

But this got to me. I didn’t exactly lose my s…, but I wasn’t myself. Was it understandable to be annoyed and a bit angry? For sure. But I could have been a bit more graceful. It wasn’t the security guard’s fault, and it was reasonable that my financial person didn’t know the hours at the other location.

Fortunately, I did a quick check of our accounts, and there was plenty there to pay. It really wasn’t a big deal, and I really hadn’t been that bad. The check would be ready on Tuesday. I let things go and went to my weekend.

What else?

On Sunday, Stephanie’s mom called at 1030 to check if Stephanie was coming over. Since Kevin left for college, we’ve done it a few times. Her mom wants me to have some time to myself and be able to get things done. For some reason I hadn’t considered it, but we rallied and headed down. I could tell Stephanie was a bit off, but she willingly went. She loves spending time with her mom.

As I drove away, I felt sad and alone. I didn’t cry but thought about my life and future life. And it was upsetting. I didn’t try to push the feelings away. I just drove with them. I stopped at our grocery store for a few things. It was crowded, and as we went through a crowd, I said, “excuse us.” I looked behind me as I usually do to make sure Stephanie got through. When I realized she wasn’t there, I felt more unsettling feelings. I took a deep breath and headed home.

I made a long list of things to do, and when I got home, I slayed them. Bills, financial aid stuff, MAJOR cleaning of kitchen, bathrooms cleaned and a good workout. Then I picked-up Stephanie. We barbecued and watched baseball. It was a pleasant night. The feelings drifted away.

When she went to bed, I reflected on my last few days. I thought about all the losses I’ve had in the last few years. Stephanie was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s right about the time my dad died. My sister died not long before he died. On top of these, I’ve got a few other private issues weighing heavily. Oh, and don’t forget that Kevin isn’t around to back me up. Everything got to me, and I struggled managing my feelings.

Bounce back

It’s Tuesday, and I’ve bounced back. We went early to my financial advisor. A person in the elevator let us ride with her. After a brief hick-up, we got the check and deposited it. As we left, I saw the security guard I’d not been too kind to and apologized. I will apologize to my financial advisor when I finish this. It feels like the right things to do.

I also need to work on being kinder to myself. I love my wife and am doing a top-notch job of being her stage manager. But there are times when life gets overwhelming, and I’ve got to remember my needs. Even if it doesn’t always do the trick, my self-care is crucial. If I’m not ok, the ship sinks.

And Kevin?

As for Kevin, he’s doing great transitioning to college. He has a double major, and it seems manageable. He has a lovely friend group, and the captain of the club soccer team saw him and picked him up. Kevin is coaching soccer for younger kids, and he’s enjoying it. Everything looks like a blast. 

We text throughout the day and talk on the phone. He wants and feels obligated to keep in touch with Stephanie (and me.) His school is 82 miles away, and if the poop hits the fan, he’d come home. But he also needs the time and space to enjoy college and not have his parents on his mind so much. I miss him and am sad. Most of all, I’m thrilled for him. He’s so happy!

Note: as I finished this he called us, and he’s doing great!

Until next time.

As always, I wrote this without the help of AI!