Before the Day

Aside, from my mom, I’m the most extroverted person I know. I can talk to anyone, anywhere, and can have a superficial conversation or go deep. Unless I have to go somewhere, I’ll be one of the last people to leave a party. I don’t want to miss any opportunity to talk. 

My ADHD amplifies this. It’s difficult for me not to talk and want to connect with people. Sure, I take meds sometimes, and it helps. But I’m still extroverted and like to talk.

These days, I find myself talking even more, especially around the house. Talking to the point that I’m annoying myself. But I can’t shut up. I’ve realized that this is my anxiety showing through.

I’m already anxious and hyper aware of Stephanie and how and what she’s doing. Her Alzheimer’s is aggressive and moving quickly. And that stinks. But it’s more than that. She speaks very little and almost never spontaneously. I hate silence, and I fill the space with a mindless monologue, much of it being a trivial narration of whatever is going through my mind…

Kevin and I banter nonstop, so when he’s around, the house is noisy. But he’s off to college in a couple of weeks. I suspect he’ll be around a fair bit. But still, I’m facing silence and/or my constant chattering. And this worries me.

What do I do?

The hardest time for me is the 5-8 window. I do my best to fill the time. She gets her latte every day, and we people watch. Then we grocery shop. A checker at the grocery store told me the other day that I, along with a professional chef, shop there the most frequently. And then we go home and I cook. 

Did somebody say I should make pork loin with rustic pesto? Or risotto? Or steak with a bunch of yummies? Oh yes, they sure asked for it!

Kevin told me the pork was restaurant quality, and the risotto was top notch. While I cook I have a beer or two. Then we eat. (Sidebar, I buy ingredients on sale, and we have leftovers for lunch. I spend much less than if we went out.)

And then we generally watch TV. The Dodgers, The Giants, HGTV, and Ted Lazzo. I get a little bit bored, but it’s generally fine. If I run out of ideas, I break out the tunes. Who doesn’t like some English Beat! The Mirror is still in the Bathroom! I feel a bit guilty, because in part I’m just trying to fill time. But It’s the best I have. As we say, “It’s fine.” Time for bed.

The clock strikes 8. Now what do I do?

And then what? I have around ten people in my inner circle, in my COMMUNITY, and I’m in-touch frequently. Daily/weekly or so. I looked at my phone, and I have another 60 people I could text and ask if they had a few minutes. So I shouldn’t be lonely, but when Kevin goes to school, it’s inevitable that I will..

The anxiety and depression are whispering in the background. Neither is shouting, seeking painful attention. But they’re there. Also fear of what our house will feel like.

I don’t do well with silence, but I must mindfully work on accepting this. I’m generally quiet while cooking, and this helps. I watered my succulents this morning. I’ve ignored them, and they’ve needed my attention. That’s a good silent time. I’ve also started doing yoga/meditation, both of which quiet my brain. I could journal, but that takes up way too much time. I work out, which helps the most. I don’t love it. But it will be quiet.

I’m not narcissistic enough to think I have it different than others whose kids are leaving for college. I’m not narcissistic enough to think that I’m the only one whose house will be quieter and life will have gaps to fill. All parents have strong feelings. 

But I do think my situation is unusual. In the last couple of years, I’ve moved through the death of my sister, the death of dad, and Stephanie’s diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. I have a few other losses and major challenges I can’t speak of.  And Kevin going to college will be another huge loss.

But as I’ve said for years, I must focus on pivoting and being resilient. My wife is my true best friend, and I take my marital vows very seriously. This is not the life we expected as we launch our son to college. But it’s his time…

(If you didn’t pick this up, I wrote this a couple of weeks ago. Kevin has already left, but I want to share this. Next time, I’m writing about what I’ve learned.)