If you’ve been reading my recent posts, you know that KD (our 16-year-old son) and I are having lots of deep conversations at the BBQ. In my last post the dad helps his teen son make hard decisions I shared how I helped KD calmly talk through concerns and reach conclusions on his own. However, as time has passed, we’ve shifted the marinade, and the food is getting spicy.
Last weekend, as the coals heated up, I let him know that Captain Mommy and I have some concerns and we need a course correction from him. It was a relatively calm discussion, and by the end, we reached a common understanding. He committed to doing things differently. Then, the coals were ready, and we barbecued some delicious vittles.
After dinner, KD asked to talk with me. We went outside, sat by the dying embers and conversed. Captain Mommy stuck her head out of the sliding door, ready to join the conversation. Immediately, we both told her that this needed to be a father/son talk. Since she and I don’t keep secrets, she knew I’d fill her in later
It was intense. I didn’t feel angry, and he was reasonable. But the decibels increased, and the language was a bit salty. The neighbors probably listened, but I really didn’t care. His bottom-line point was that he’s 16, and he wants more space, freedom and trust from us. He added that he’d never done anything to break our trust. So why are we so strict?
I told him that all of his points are valid, and I would think about them and talk to Captain Mommy. Then we went to our respective camps to start reflecting. I talked to my wife, and he talked to his girlfriend for an extended period.
Doing the math, I tabulated that I’ve worked with around 1,000 adolescent boys. Captain Mommy has worked with her share, too. So, we know the tricks of the trade. For example, we know that John will say he’s staying at Matt’s. Matt will say he’s staying at Jack’s. And Jack will say he’s staying at John’s. And then they’ll all stay at Todd’s house, where his parents are “cool” and let him do whatever he wants when he’s in the guesthouse with his friends. Unless any of their parents cross-check, they’re home free.
But as KD pointed out, he hasn’t done these things (that we’re aware of.) We like his friends and know and trust that their parents will make things fun without being “cool” and letting the boys do whatever they want. Furthermore, he gets good grades, he works hard at soccer and plays on the team at school, he has a student leadership position, his teachers like him, etc. And the time he spends with his girlfriend seems innocent. So, if we have no reason to mistrust him, why would we?
His points are valid, and I knew that I needed to look deeper. KD was a NICU kid and earned frequent flyer miles in the PICU. It was a brutal few years. Had his early childhood been more “normal.” I think we’d be looser. But, trauma from this has informed some of our reactions and parenting decisions.
Unfortunately, his birth challenges aren’t the only trauma that impacts my parenting. When I was 17, I was a passenger in a drunk driving accident. I was in a coma for three days and am epileptic. Long story short, I’m an anxious passenger. And I know I’ll be especially anxious as my son does more and more driving. But I’m trying to keep in-mind that he’s a careful and responsible teenager, and he will navigate the roads as safely as possible. It isn’t fair for me to let my “stuff” limit his growing independence.
And we parents all have our “stuff” which we carry over to our children. And this isn’t their fault. But at the end of the day, one of our jobs is to try to turn off whatever emotional noise we have in the background and make parenting decisions based on facts, rather than emotional reactions. And this is hard.
If you feel like you could use some extra help working through the challenges parenting brings, I can help. I’ve been doing this work, both personally and professionally, for a long time.
NOTE: This document was written without the help of AI. It is my original work.
