In my last post the-dad-and-son-grow-close-and-eat-cookies/ I talked about the shifts I’m going through in my relationship with our son, KD, who is 16. It hasn’t been easy, but ultimately our father-son relationship is where it’s supposed to be. It’s good. He is making more and more decisions on his own, but he recognizes that he still depends on his dad for advice and help with course corrections. In today’s post I’m looking at the shifts my son continues to make and how my job as his father is to guide from a couple steps back.
Last weekend we did our usual father and son barbecue and talked about teenage stuff. After dinner, he asked to talk about something else. To protect his privacy, I won’t share any details.
He told me about a challenge he is having. He told me that he knows that I talk to a lot of teenage boys, so I might say some things he hadn’t thought of. Conservatively, I’ve worked with 1,000 teenage boys/young men in my career. And I know what I’d say if they brought this topic to me. But I’m his father, and I knew that this would be a different conversation from one I’d ever had.
Pretty quickly I knew it was about normal teenage boy stuff. But the way he talked about it left me concerned and a little anxious. And when I’m anxious, I tend to move into fix-it mode. I’d remind him of our expectations, and I’d tell him what to do or not to do.
But then I caught myself. After all, he’s sixteen, and he really doesn’t need his dad to tell him what to do. I took a step back and moved into questioning mode. I asked him to tell me more about his thoughts and plans. I asked him what he hoped to accomplish. I asked him if it’s a realistic goal. I asked him about the risks. Etc. Since he doesn’t have a driver’s license and his plan would entail me or Captain Mommy driving him over 30 minutes to do something we wouldn’t want him to do, he concluded it wouldn’t happen. Much that I could have told him from the start that his plan would not work, I wanted him to conclude it on his own
Regardless, the following day I felt the need to do the “dad check-in.” He told me that he’d solved the problem, and it was no longer an issue. He said it in a way that was a bit concerning, but I figured he was trying to save face. Rather than comment on it, I just let it go and reminded myself of how lucky I am that we have such honest father and son conversations.
Jumping forward a week to our next barbecue, KD and I had another deep conversation about his future plans. We covered a lot of ground, and I shared some information he wasn’t aware of. He also shared a goal that seems very, very unlikely to happen. And I could have told him this. But like the previous week, I just stayed open, asked questions and listened to his thoughts and feelings. I think he left feeling like I’d heard and not judged him. It seems like the door between us is wide open for future conversations.
When we dads have strong reactions to what our teenage sons say/do, it’s very tempting to jump in, guide the conversation and ultimately tell them what to do to solve their problems. And I recognize that there are times we need to intervene in a strong way. However, when it’s a problem within the “normal range,” it’s best to sit back, keep our anxiety and fear out of the way, and just be curious and ask questions. We want to keep the lines of communication open. After all, the more we push and try to tell our teenagers what to do, the more likely they are to push back and make choices that may not turn out very well.
As this weekend approaches, this dad is sitting back and wondering what our next BBQ conversation will be about. Until next time…
Dads, if things aren’t going well with your parenting, and you’d like help figuring out how to do things differently, reach out. I can help.
