In my last post men let’s talk and get a haircut, I talked about a conversation I had with a barber outside his shop. He talked about how the barbershop is one of the last places men can get together and really talk. This got me thinking.

I take a ton of pride in being a dad. I’ve certainly made mistakes, and Kevin told me that I’m far from perfect. But I’m pretty good. Life has brought challenges. Big ones like 20 days in the NICU and his mom’s Alzheimer’s. And then the regular life ones: school challenges, friend challenges, and girl navigation.

Now that Kevin is 19 and is deep in his first semester, and Stephanie’s Alzheimer’s is progressing, we’re in a new phase. Back in the day, I saw myself as a very silly, nice guy who was very scattered and depended on Stephanie to hold things together. Now I see myself as a proud dad and husband who holds things together. Sometimes my glue melts and I scramble to plug the holes. Honestly, I feel this way most days. But in the end, everything is fine. The important things are done. The stupid stuff is stupid, and I let it go.

Why focus more on dads?

I’ve always been good working with kids, particularly teen boys (and now many young men.) I’m understanding, honest and talk. I say a lot of what parents say, but they often hear it from me. I’ll never stop doing this work.

I’ve also always worked with dads (and couples.) As someone who has helped raise an adult and is committed to my wife, and take my marital vows seriously, I think I have some wisdom and good things to say. My focus is shifting to dad therapy sacramento counseling for fathers

And the universe is sending me more dads for counseling and coaching. Because I pick up Stephanie most days by five, my afterschool times with kids have been cut. My early/mid afternoon times are now my focus, and the phone has been ringing with men. Most are married (but not all,) and most have kids (but not all.)

Why therapy? Who are you?

Every one of you sees me by choice, without coercion or threats from your spouse. Sure, your spouse likes that they attend, but it’s not guiding why you’re here. And yes, wanting more sex is a topic of conversation. But sex alone is not why you start…

You’re dedicated to your spouse and family. You take an active role in your kids’ lives and recognize the need to work together with your spouse/partner. You take seriously your role as a provider. You don’t come in on the verge on divorce and hope I can wave my magic wand and fix things. Instead, you want help with strategies for being a better parent and spouse.

I admire that you want to improve because it’s the right thing to do. You hope that your spouse makes changes, and we’ll work on clarifying what you want and need and how to communicate these. But you don’t wait to make changes until they do, too. You just want to be the best person possible.

Who I’m not as a therapist

Many of the men I see have certain expectations. Whether they’ve seen a therapist or not, they expect to be told that there is something wrong with them, and if they’d only change, they’d be happier. Be better listeners. Don’t solve her problems. Don’t yell at the kids. Do more with the kids. Etc. This isn’t how I work.

They also expect me to do things like sitting silently, waiting for them to talk, asking them how things “make them feel,” and talking about their childhoods. I’m none of these things.

If I worked these ways, I wouldn’t want to go to therapy either.

Who I am as a therapist

I’ve often been described as a “normal” guy. I’m not perfect, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my marriage and as a parent. Each day, I try to be better. And this is what I encourage the men I see to do.

I know life can be very funny, and we’ll laugh sometimes. Counseling isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be grueling. Years ago, a man gave me an on-line review that I’m like talking to a buddy, except I don’t let you get away with stuff. I genuinely like the men I work with, and I hope this comes through.

How I am in the room?

1. I talk.

2. I won’t stare at you, waiting for you to talk.

3. I ask questions.

4. I answer questions.

5. I’ll call you out if I think you could do something different.

6. But I definitely won’t automatically blame you for the challenges in your marriage. It takes two to tango.

7. I won’t pretend to have all the answers.

8. I won’t use stupid therapist terms.

9. I am a dad who knows that the fantasies aren’t realities. Marriage has troughs and mountaintops. 

10. I have been called “normal” many, many times.

What’s next?

If you are a dad who is committed to your spouse/partner and kids and wants some help balancing this with a challenging career, reach out. If you’re local, we can meet in person, either in my office or walking at the park across the street. We can work by video or phone.

My license limits my counseling to people who are physically in CA when we meet. However, I also have a coaching business that serves people throughout the world (including CA, if you’d prefer this style.) Coaching is different from counseling, and we can discuss how when you reach out. In the end, the goals are the same. You want to feel better about your relationship, and I’ll help you set certain goals and hold you accountable for meeting these goals.