As I’ve mentioned in recent blogs the-dad-and-son-grow-close-and-eat-cookies, Parenting: this dad sits back, asks questions and listens as his son makes decisions, and father-and-son-clear-the-air, KD (our 16 year old son) and I have some of our deepest, honest, and most challenging father/son conversations at the BBQ. Our relationship is shifting, and it’s not always easy. But overall, our relationship is exactly how it should be.
LET’S TALK ADHD
Recently, in the middle of some sort of conversation, he randomly told me that I’m the most neurodiverse person he knows. Since I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, I know I’m officially under the umbrella of neurodiversity. Simplistically, neurodiversity describes people with different ways of interacting with the world add-adhd/features/what-is-neurodiversity.
Rather than verbalizing that I felt a bit judged by his direct and unsolicited evaluation, I went into question mode and asked him why. He told me that things are different since the Pandemic, and people don’t talk to strangers in the same way as they once did. But I’m the same. I’m extroverted, friendly and curious, and I’ll talk to anyone.
His analysis seemed superficial or incomplete, and when I asked follow-up questions a few days later, he assured me that there is nothing else. I’m the most neurodiverse person he knows because I’ll talk to anyone.
There had to be more. At the end of sessions with teenagers I’ve seen for a long time and have a good rapport, I’ve said something like, “OK, this is on my time. I’m curious if you feel like teenagers have changed since the Pandemic. Are they less comfortable talking to strangers?” Without exception, they agreed with KD.
Eventually I had a “now I get it” moment. Sure, teens were already trending to text over talk, and their verbal skills were showing it. But not having to go to school during the Pandemic amplified the issue tenfold. Not having to talk to peers in the classroom. Not saying “sorry” when you bump into your classmate. Not doing the awful group projects and presentations. Not having to interact face-to-face with teachers. Or sports coaches. Or saying, “thanks” to the person who dishes up your lunch. Or to the person in the office when you’re TA. Etc. Sure, they talked to each other when they played video games, and they still texted. But these weren’t sufficient substitutions for simple, face-to-face communication.
WHERE ARE YOUR DREAMS?
After chewing on this for a few weeks, I asked KD to tell me more about how the Pandemic has affected kids. To synthesize, he thinks teens are less prone to reach for their dreams. People’s options decreased, and they settled for doing what they needed to do to get by. Not much more…
Just getting by is an accurate synthesis of what happened with distance learning. Zoom was the wild west, and both teachers and students struggled to navigate it. And as kids are, they did the bare minimum to get by. They saw exams as an opportunity to work as a group. Rather than being focused on the mastery of the material, they collaboratively crosschecked to make sure that their answers were different enough that their teachers didn’t suspect they’d cheated.
Furthermore, columnists in the school newspapers didn’t write. Announcers on the school radio stations didn’t announce. Actors in the school plays didn’t act. Athletes didn’t play. It’s hard to improve when you don’t have opportunities for growth and healthy competition. Perhaps dreams weren’t extinguished. But they were certainly turned down to low heat.
THE KIDS WILL BE ALRIGHT
Now that we’ve turned up the heat and are cooking on gas, our teens have opportunities to jumpstart their dream seeking. The traumatic effects from the Pandemic are still sitting next to them in the passenger seat, and the road back is long. But there is plenty of room for optimism. Next time I’ll look at what we parents can do to help them grab the wheel and hit the road (even if they refuse to get their permit.)
Dads, have people told you that you keep everything inside and don’t talk about how you feel? I can relate. I’ve been there. Let’s talk it out.
Note: This document was written without the help of AI. It is my original work.
