Captain Mommy (my wife Stephanie) is on-top of thoughtful details. This week I got a calendar alert she’d added that 3-26 is Epilepsy Awareness Day. I wasn’t born with epilepsy. I got it when I got in the car with a drunk driver on 4-20-1985, got in a bad crash, had head injuries and was in a coma for three days. I also had bad seizures. I’ve been epileptic ever since. Epilepsy isn’t fun..
Part of my journey has been (trying) to let go of my negative feelings toward the driver, one of my best friends at the time. Our friendship was shattered. Our friend group was shattered. It was not a good time.
I figure it’s a good time to share one from the archives.
It’s 4-20 everyone. Time for a deep breath in and out. Enjoy yourself. I don’t smoke weed, so 4-20 doesn’t hold the same meaning for me. (For those of you who are confused, 4-20 is the day that is celebrated as National Marijuana Day. Or something like that.) 35 years ago tonight, I got in the car with a drunk driver. I was also drinking, so I wasn’t worried about it.
3 days later, I woke up in UCLA Medical Center. I was thoroughly confused but eventually understood I’d had several seizures and had been in a coma. Slowly, it sunk in that we’d been speeding and crashed into a pole on San Vicente, in Santa Monica. Frankly, we should have been killed, but the driver (one of my very best friends) was coordinated enough that we didn’t hit the pole head-on. I saw the car later, and it was pulverized. (I learned somewhere down the line that one of the fire fighters had nightmares about our accident. It was that ugly.)
The recovery was terribly difficult. My memory was shot for a year, and I don’t think ever came back completely. I also struggled with depression and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD.) On top of it, our friend group dissolved, and everything changed. It was ugly.
Moving forward 35 years, I still carry the scars of 4-20-1985. Epilepsy sucks. I struggle with mini seizures frequently. I have no driver’s license, etc. But really, I’m doing fine. Although I’m still an anxious passenger, the PTSD and depression are better. My memory is ok. Etc. (Edit: since initially writing this, I have gotten my driver’s license back. I don’t love driving, but it has been a game changer for my family. Captain Mommy has been the solo driver for many years, and having me share the captain’s chair has been wonderful.)
Emotionally, things haven’t been quite so good. As much as I’ve really tried to accept and forgive my friend, I’ve carried resentments. I’ve tried not to act like a victim. But it has been hard…However, since the COVID-19 virus has taken over the world and impacted our lives in unspeakable terms, I’ve recognized that there are more important things to do than carry resentments.
So, my goal today is to let go of resentments I have toward my old friend. We had a terrible accident, but it could have been avoided by either one of us. It is what it is…
I’m trying to keep in mind the words of Lewis Smedes: When you forgive, you set a prisoner free. And then you discover that the prisoner was you.
Until next time…