July 1 was Captain Mommy and my 23rd anniversary. The prediction was for 108 degrees, which made for a perfect day to pack the car and head to San Francisco. KD (our 15- year-old son) helped us get our lunches together, and we got out the door before the worst of the heat hit.
Captain Mommy had a migraine but was trying to be a trooper. Unfortunately, about halfway to the Bay she got nauseous, and before we could pull over, she threw-up. And not just a little. She caught most of it in her travel mug, but her final round scored a perfect 10 and landed on the floor mat and her clothes. It was epic. KD and I looked at each other and silently acknowledged that the family was not heading to San Francisco. We pivoted, and like a well-oiled machine, we got the mat out of the car and washed it as well as possible. Captain Mommy wiped things up a little and changed into a spare set of clothes.
Without a bag for her stinky clothes and floor mat, I went into a clothing store and asked for a bag. There was a young woman at the register who hesitated and said she wasn’t supposed to give out a bag. But she slyly slipped me two large bags. As I headed out the door, the manager approached her and chewed her out. I turned around and explained that my wife threw up all over herself, but she looked at me blankly and clearly didn’t care.
I was not happy. I can handle a ton of poor behavior, but I can’t tolerate bullies and those who use their authority as a rationale for treating others unkindly. Still, the clothes were the priority, so I left.
Captain Mommy needed another shirt, so we went back into the store to get one. I was still a bit annoyed, and after we found a shirt, KD and I sent the manager on a wild goose chase. We asked about cut-off shorts, shirts for me, a belt, what style jeans I should wear, high rise jeans for women and socks. I was going to ask about underwear, but I couldn’t do it without laughing. The other employee hid her face behind clothes she was folding and giggled. I felt vindicated…
Thinking it through
Driving home, I thought about my behavior. Much that I’d hoped the manager would reflect on her behavior and conclude something like, “OK, I know I was following store policy. But the guy’s wife threw up everywhere, and I shouldn’t have been so rigid. I also should have spoken to my employee in private, rather than publicly correcting her behavior.” The reality is that it was likely along the lines of, “That guy was being a d…, and I’m glad he left.”
I was a little worried about being a poor role model for KD, and I did a quick check-in with him. He thought it was funny. Mean but funny. Not the best choice but funny. He also knows I am a positive role model for kids all week long, and I don’t tolerate bullies. So, I think I’m good there.
Still, I was not pleased with myself. I let my emotions get in the way of how I behaved. Maybe I was just disappointed that my family needed to turn around and go home. Regardless, sending her on a wild goose chase and laughing about it wasn’t kind. I talk all week about the best ways for people to communicate and handle challenges. And I was not walking my talk as a therapist and role model.
A better way
Captain Mommy is much calmer and strategic with the way she expresses her concerns. She called the corporate office and let them know what happened. They were very receptive and took copious notes and told her they’d talk to people at the store and get back to her. That would have been a better, more mature response on my part. Live and (re)learn…
Two weeks later, we’re still waiting to hear back…
If you’ve been struggling for a while or are worried that your teen isn’t doing very well, reach out. As long as you are located in CA, we can meet in-person, by video or by phone.