I went to a training recently, and the person encouraged us to write about themes we consistently hear about in our office. Thinking on it, I find that many parents are saying, “I think my son/daughter just needs someone to talk to.”
When we unpack things a bit, parents say things like, “He used to talk to me but has stopped.” “Her friends have changed, and I don’t really like them.” “His grades have slipped.” “She cries a lot and won’t say why.” “He usually is confident, but he seems really anxious these days.” “I found pills in their room.” “He stole beers and won’t admit it.” Etc, etc, etc. Bottom line, parents see red flags and have decided to do something about it. If they’re comfortable with me, we typically set an appointment.
When the kids come in, we typically talk about what’s happening. We look at why. They make changes. They feel better. Counseling ends. Sure, it’s more complicated and takes some time. But at the end of the day, when we break it down, that’s what happens when counseling goes well. It isn’t rocket science.
But let’s say you parents notice this, but you don’t want to jump into counseling right away. After all, it’s expensive, takes a ton of time and involves looking at hard feelings. It can be a lot.
To break it down, when you find yourself worried about your kid, you need to focus on communication, interest and time. The first and easiest way to address it is for parents to ask to talk to your kid. When you sit down, shoot the breeze for a few and then say something like, “I’ve noticed some things lately that concern me, and I’m wondering how you’re doing.” In a perfect world your kid will be open, and you will support them in making changes that will help them feel better.
But as we all know, this likely won’t get the desired results. Instead, you’ll hear something like, “I’m fine. Get out of my room.” But as you walk away, a key thing to say is, “I understand. Just know that if you want to talk, I’m available.” From there, do occasional, “mental health check-ins.” Even if they don’t talk to you, they know that you are tuned in to how they’re doing and are open to talking about it.
Interest and time go together. Go to your kid’s events, and ask them about what’s going on in their lives. Ask about school, not from the angle of getting down about them about grades. Just to hear how things are going. Ask about their friends. Go to the movies together. Etc. Your teen might complain and roll their eyes. But behind it, they know that you are tuned in and interested in their lives.
Going hand and hand is having meals together. This includes putting phones away and not watching tv. Then just have a natural conversation, in which you talk about whatever. According to the familydinnerproject.org, some of the specific benefits of family dinners are better academic progress, higher self-esteem, greater sense of resilience, lower risk of substance abuse, depression, eating disorders, and obesity.
Let’s be realistic; life is busy and regular dinner is hard. But do your best to eat together regularly. I work at night, so KD (my 15-year-old) and I have breakfast in the a.m. We talk about sports, school, friends and whatever else. Sometimes Captain Mommy (my wife) joins us. And they eat dinner together most nights. So, we both have a sense of how he’s doing.
So, even if you don’t end up having a direct conversation about any of your concerns, taking time and being interested should help your teen develop positive mental health. (And to reiterate, all of these good things are helpful, even if your teen is in counseling.)
It’s important to acknowledge that there are times when your teen should see a professional ASAP: when they are cutting, talking about hurting themselves or somebody else and other severe symptoms. But if you address smaller issues in a timely and consistent fashion, teens can get better on their own.
Until next time…
If you are interested in your teen seeing someone, and you live in CA, reach out. I counsel in Sacramento and remotely. If you are struggling, I also work with many adults.
