In my last post I was angry. I don’t owe an apology. Yes I do, I looked at the importance of apologizing. When we get angry and express ourselves in inappropriate and hurtful ways, we need to take responsibility in a genuine, appropriate way.
In today’s piece I’m taking things in a different direction. Relationships are wonderful. And sometimes they’re not. Sometimes they hum along smoothly. And sometimes they don’t. And when they don’t, it’s a good idea to reach out for help.
I know and have worked with some incredibly gifted marriage (relationship) counselors over the years. I asked 7 of them to share their secret weapon when helping couples through challenges. If any of you are looking for extra support in improving your relationship AND live in California, I encourage you to reach out to them (or me.)
This is from my colleague Ken Siegmann. He is no longer practicing therapy and has moved into a mediation practice. Still, this tip is worth sharing. For those of you on Twitter, his meditation tips can be found at twitter.com/siegmann
“In a disagreement it’s often the case that you can be right, or you can have peace. But you can’t always have both. Choose peace. Whatever your disagreement is about, it’s usually not worth the harm you may do by insisting on being right.”
Debra J Totten, LCSW is a longtime colleague and friend. We’ve collaborated several times over the years, and her wisdom is always spot-on. She practices in Calimesa, CA and remotely. For more information, check her out at Calimesacounseling.com.
“Make a choice to love that person. Love (the feeling) will wax and wane while love the decision will remain strong.”
Jennifer Hayes O’Neill, LMSW is a gifted therapist and author and is licensed in three states (CA, Michigan and Texas.) We’ve collaborated over the years, and she gets it. She can be found at resilientlifetherapy.com.
“I’m not exactly sure if I have a #1. It’s kind of dependent on the clients. But I think a really important one is that each person needs to try to make the relationship a fun place to be. So often when things are hard the relationship just becomes a hard, stressful, sad place to be. Who wants to hang out there? Make it a fun, feel good place to be, in addition to working things out. Also, it helps them remember why they like each other. By the way, this is also a good thing to think about with kids-if you want them to hang with the family, make the family someplace they might want to hang rather than full of strife.”
Catherine Zanzi, LMFT has solid wisdom. She practices in Sacramento and remotely and is on my (rather short) referral list. She can be found a findhopeagain.com.
“Make an effort every day to sincerely show gratitude for something your partner has done or said. We usually find what we look for. Look for the good.”
Jeannette Phelan, LMFT., and I have collaborated several times over the years. She’s smart and funny and knows her stuff. She practices remotely and in-person in Sacramento and can be reached at: phelantherapy.com.
“Empathy and validation! Validating where your partner is coming from, even if you don’t agree with it, does wonders for communication and conflict resolution. Most couples can recite back what their partners have said to them, but they lack the necessary combination of empathy and validation to help their partner feel “heard.” And most couples believe that “validation” means that you agree with where your partner is coming from, even if you don’t! When couples are struggling, I often hear “He never listens!” or “she just keeps arguing until I shut up or walk away!” leaving most partners feeling empty and hurt, and certainly not “heard”. By attempting to understand where your partner is coming from, how they drew a particular conclusion to a series of events or communications, allows you to demonstrate an empathetic response that can help diffuse a heated situation. This might look like, “I’m not saying I agree with your position, but I can certainly understand how you might come to these conclusions!” to be followed by, “Here’s where I’m coming from…”
Larissa Bateman is a new colleague of mine. When I asked her this question, she was spot on. She’s wise and wisdom filled. She works near San Francisco and remotely. She can be found at calmingconnection.com
“Fight to understand, not to win. If you feel yourself determined to win, ask for a break from the argument. Take a walk, watch a video, listen to music, or do anything that helps you calm down. Then come back to your partner and ask questions only to understand their side before talking.”
Another new colleague is Melody Stiles. She has been practicing for over 20 years and has tremendous wisdom working with couples. She is licensed in both California and Indiana and works remotely statewide. She can be found at melodystiles.com
“Try to always come from an internal space of generosity with your partner/spouse. If they say something try to always give them the benefit of the doubt; that’s a place of generosity. That will allow your SO to feel heard and validated. Insist upon the same attitude towards yourself from them.”