In my last blog, 7 marriage counselors share their #1 tip for couples, I passed along an ace in the hole from seven of my favorite marriage counselors. Since people really appreciated the tips, it’s time for more. And I shared a couple of my own.
The first is from Stephen Walker, LMFT. He’s the director of middlewayhealth.com, in Sacramento. Full disclosure, I saw Stephen for therapy (without my wife) for a few years. He’s as talented a therapist as I know. Rather than answering directly, he asked his wife.
“Letting your spouse know what makes you happy. Don’t just assume! Speak up! Take time to do enjoyable things together. Touch each other. Hold hands. Surprise each other with gifts. Make love often. Check in with each other during the day. Sit in front of the fire together. Say ‘I love you.’ Don’t forget to introduce your spouse at a party.”
The next is from Jennifer Olden, LMFT. She also works in Sacramento and is the gold standard for marriage counselors. She can be reached at jenniferolden.com
“Disclaimer: My point of reference is that of a wife in a heterosexual marriage that generally fits the stereotypes. However, as a therapist I have seen the roles switch and the husband act more emotional and the wife go up to her head. I’ve worked with gay and lesbian couples where gender isn’t the defining label. So, take this article with a grain of salt and look for the parts that fit.
My husband has the annoying habit of saying to me right after I bump my head, “Be Careful.” It’s reflexive on his end and harmless but also NOT HELPFUL. Advice, even with a positive intention, can end up escalating the disconnection.
Take the directive, “Chill out.” Never in the history of humankind has a person relaxed in response to the phrase “chill out.” It has the opposite effect nearly every time. If I’m upset and someone, namely my husband, says, “Chill out” I will probably want to claw out his face. This is not chilling out. Here is a short list of similar phrases that when uttered will make your wife freak out.
1) Chillax
2) You are being irrational
3) Stop stressing out. It’s no big deal
4) Have you taken your medication?
5) Is it that time of the month?
6) You are overreacting
7) You are always upset about something
When a woman hears these phrases, she will NOT suddenly get access to her prefrontal lobes and become a beacon of logic and reason. She will more likely get more irrational, more reactive, and more upset. These phrases are gasoline, my friends. Avoid them at all costs.
So, what do you say instead when your partner is freaking out over something seemingly small that doesn’t make sense to you and really appears to be some sort of chemical imbalance? How do you address it in a way that re-connects the two of you? Try these phrases:
1) I want to get close to you but right now you seem so mad at me it’s hard to connect, but I really want to. What can I do?
2) I want to be the antidote to your problem, but it seems like I’m the cause. That makes me go away. I need you to talk to me about what is bothering you without blaming me for everything.
3) Look, I’m imperfect and I make mistakes, but I love you and I am here.
4) I’m on your team and we are in this together. You are the most important person to me.
The point is that if you couch your response in caring and validation you will get a lot more traction in your ultimate desire to connect than using the phrase, “Chill out.”
Another tip comes from a newer colleague, Julie Levin, LMFT. She works in the East Bay (Pleasant Hill, CA) and remotely. If you live in California, you could meet with her in person or by video. Her website is JulieLevin.com
“If possible, have a space that’s just yours, ideally a room that you can keep exactly as you like, no compromises. If, as Kim Swain at Gamechanger said, marriage is a compromise agreement, then a little sacred space can make a huge difference in having autonomy and breathing room.”
The next is from Stuart Kaplowitz, LMFT encouragingyourlife.com. He works in Chino, CA and by video. He’s a super great guy.
“I think for me the most important thing with couples is to find/make time to connect. I don’t care if you are busy that day; find even 5 mins. And I mean physically connect. Take a few minutes to reflect on the day, while holding hands, stroking the other’s face or arms (or connecting in a meaningful way they are comfortable). Then the other person shares. Of course, it is nice when each is able to truly listen and even reflect what their partner shared, and I like to take it a step further by asking questions like: what was your favorite part of the day or what may have been uncomfortable, unexpected, and so forth.”
The next comes from Deanna Almaras. She works in Portland, and I love what she says. Also, she has an active blog. She can be found at portlandtherapycenter.com. “In every interaction, there are always two realities. Understanding your partner’s reality is what fosters connection.”
Since I pulled weeds this morning (it’s a really bad year for weeds!), I figured it’s appropriate to share advice from Nancy Prisbee. She works in Michigan and can be found at nancy715.wixsite.com “Avoiding the hard conversation is like letting weeds take over your garden. Just like you put on your gloves, grab your tools and pick the time of day it is not too hot to remove those weeds, you can do this too! Pick the right time when you are both fully resourced and use your tools- it can be a little painful, but it creates space for healthy growth.”
Although much of my work is with adolescents and men, I do a fair amount of marriage counseling. I figured it’s worth sharing a couple tips. If you want to know more about me and see previous pieces I’ve written about parenting, marriage and other random things about men in the barbershop, the bowling alley and coffee, I can be found at rivercitycounseling.com.
“When you are having an important conversation/disagreement with your spouse/partner, try to listen just to listen. Don’t listen looking for ammunition to use in your response. It’s a set-up for things to escalate further.”
“It takes two people for an argument. If one person says something like, “I need to stop talking,” that means the other needs to respect this, and the conversation needs to stop. This doesn’t mean the conversation is over, never to be talked about again. It simply means that feelings are getting too heated for a productive conversation to happen, and it’s important to pause. When both people are calm, the conversation can continue.”
Between this and my last blog, there are many tips for you to try with your spouse/partner/friend. Hopefully you try some out and they work.
Until next time.