If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that my son KD and I have had deeper and deeper conversations as he has gotten older. In my last one Father, Son, Communication, ADHD and the Pandemic, we talked about the Pandemic and how it’s still affecting kids. Today, I want to talk about the pedal to the metal…
KD got his driver’s license last week, and he asked to get more practice and have a dad/son talk. We ordered a pizza and hit the road.
At a red light, he turned to me and asked if I’d ever done drugs. I wasn’t shocked by his question, but I was surprised by his timing. Quickly I realized I had three options: lie, tell him it’s a good question but not something I’m comfortable answering right now, or tell him the truth. I chose the truth.
What’s the story?
When I was 17, I tried weed once and I used cocaine three or four times. And then I added my qualifiers/excuses. Cocaine was very commonly used in Los Angeles in the 1980’s. I went to school with many affluent kids who could afford it. I never bought it and never would. I started kinder at 4, and I was always younger than my friends. Perhaps I was susceptible to peer pressure. I didn’t know back then that I had ADHD, and cocaine simply balances brain chemicals. I didn’t get high.
All of those are true. And all of them are excuses. At the end of the day, I used illegal substances. (I also drank a lot of beers late in high school. I almost died as a passenger in a drunk driving accident. He already knew this, and I didn’t feel the need to go over this.) Sure, I wish I hadn’t. I remember pausing before using cocaine. I should have passed. And didn’t. I own my choices.
What’s next?
And then I had those thoughts. Would he view me as a less good dad because I used drugs? Would he question my character? Would he judge me or be less prone to listen? Will he justify future mistakes he makes? Who knows…
Since I’m one of those dads who believes in follow-up conversations, a couple days later I asked what he thinks. He said he’d had a sense that I’d experimented, and this just filled in the gaps. He was surprised and found it interesting that I hadn’t felt anything when I used coke. I felt a little let off the hook. But whatever…
A different direction
This got me thinking about parenting in general and how best to answer our kid’s questions. As much as possible we want to tell our kids the truth. At the same time, the truth can be too much for our kids to handle when they’re young. Some parents I know answer any question their kids ask, no matter how hard it could be for them to understand or cope with emotionally. I don’t agree with this. At the same time, lying to our kids isn’t helpful, either. It’s a fine line; be honest but recognize the need to be age appropriate. KD is almost 17. He’s mature and his moral character is set. What I did or didn’t do when I was 17 isn’t going to have a tremendous influence on him now. I answered him honestly, in an age-appropriate fashion.
Until next time…
Parents, do you ever wonder about the job you’re doing? Are you struggling to talk to your kids? Reach out, and let’s talk it through.
