In my latest blog, Father, Son, Communication, ADHD and the Pandemic, KD (my 16-year-old son) and I spoke about the emotional impacts of the Pandemic on adolescents. There’s more to say, but before I do, let’s talk about FaceTime.
I walked into KD’s room last week, and I noticed he was on FaceTime with his girlfriend. Except he wasn’t talking to her. He’d leaned his phone against the bed, and I saw her face. Fortunately, she didn’t see me, and I rushed out of the room. Later, he explained that they keep it on all day, in case either of them wants to say anything.
This made no sense to me, but he said that’s what kids do these days, and parents don’t understand. I was tempted to say something like, “Maybe people do it, but my son doesn’t. Tell your girlfriend that it’s not happening anymore.” Instead, I just turned around and left.
Typically, after thinking about what we discuss, what he does makes sense to me. Then, if I break Wheaton’s Law (look it up,) I apologize, and he says, “It’s ok. I already forgot about it.” And we go on with our days.
Therapists share opinions
But this time, I couldn’t wrap my head around it. So, I crowd-sourced in a therapist Facebook group and asked if kids are doing this. Without exception, they said that it’s a “thing,” and teens do it regularly. Most therapists aren’t thrilled, but they’ve accepted that the ship left the dock, and the train left the station. It’s happening, and parents need to get with it, or be left behind.
Some therapists pointed out that it’s developmentally normal for teens to separate out from their parents and prioritize their relationships with their friends. And this is their way of doing it.
Ok, but is it healthy? If we are trying to teach our kids to be independent thinkers, problem solvers, and to develop the ability to cope with hard things, they need to figure things out on their own. And this is much less likely to happen when somebody else is on the line 24 hours a day, ready to help problem solve.
However, there are times when they must do things on their own. Their friends won’t be up there when they do a speech for class. And they can’t be there when they take the SAT’s or ACT’s. I dropped my son off 30 minutes ago for an AP test. I watched him walk in ALONE. No girlfriend to leave his phone on for help. A couple of his main bros are in there taking the exam. But this won’t be a group project or collaboration. No FaceTime allowed!
This isn’t new
Some of the therapists said that they used to watch tv shows together, talking on their phones from separate locations. Some of the younger therapists talked about falling asleep with their long-distance partner during college. Crap, I talked to my now wife for HOURS when we were long-distance during college. (This was fine until my phone bill was sent to my parents instead of me. My dad was not pleased.)
Maybe I’m splitting hairs, but I see those as different. They served an active purpose. Watching a show. Having actual conversations. I see the falling asleep on the phone with your partner as similar. If KD simply fell asleep talking to his girlfriend that might seem ok. But leaving the phone on all day just seems weird.
Don’t hold on too tightly
So, if they’re going to do it, what can we do? Trying to forbid it sets them up for taking things underground. I’d rather KD have his phone on for many hours saying occasional words than doing something else to help evade us. I’d rather him say sweet things or complain about me behind his door than sneak out in the middle of the night for a midnight rendezvous.
But it’s not the wild west
However, it’s our prerogative to try to limit these conversations. He’s going to do it, but we don’t want his girlfriend to hear everything we say. I started to feel like she was always there. She wouldn’t get to choose where we went to dinner. But she’d know. It felt like an invasion. The compromise we agreed to is that he could keep his phone on only in his room. Anytime he leaves his room with his phone, he needs to mute it and either turn off the camera or throw it in his pocket.
Edit: The last couple of days, I’ve walked into his room and seen his charming girlfriend’s face. She has smiled and waved to me. This doesn’t work, and later today I’m breaking out the fully annoyed, dad mode when I speak to KD. I only want to see her face when we’re in the same room.
My friend/colleague Lindsey Stewart, LMFT, LPCC emphasizes my point. She said her teenage daughter’s friend used to chime in during their conversations. Even worse, one time her daughter was hanging out with a friend on FaceTime, and “She walked into my room as I was walking out of the bathroom in a towel, and we almost had a catastrophe. She was as mortified as I was, and she cut out some of the obsessive FaceTiming or at least she warned us.” It can get out of control, and we parents can limit their hangouts.
Quick as a flash
As we parents clearly know, our teenagers are transitioning beyond quickly. One day we think we’ve got it wired and we’re just awesome parents. And crap happens the next day that leaves us feeling confused and incompetent. All we can do is try to keep our kids as safe as possible, hoping to minimize the impacts of the stupid s… they do. And really, they could do much more damaging things than hanging out on FaceTime.
Until next time.
Are you kids heading to off to college and feeling nervous? Or are you? Reach out. We can talk about it.
