At our son KD’s 3rd or 4th birthday, his grandmother made an amazing chocolate buttercream cake. As I watched KD wolf his down, he turned bright red. We’d already had hints that he was allergic to gluten and cow’s milk. This sealed the deal. From then on, he ate exclusively dairy and gluten free food. When he accidentally ate some, he got sick.
Fast forward a decade+. As we drove in the dark to one of those horrific 7 a.m. soccer games, he said something that got my dad brain going. I turned to him and said, “Are you eating gluten and dairy?” He got a big smile on his face and outed himself. Apparently, they have hot, homemade chocolate chip cookies at his school. He experimented and found he had no reaction. He eats one every day and has had no reaction. He’d grown out of his food allergies. I gave him a high five, and we started talking about all the food he’d be able to eat. Since our family doesn’t keep secrets, I reminded him that he needed to tell Captain Mommy, who manages his food, ASAP. He did.
This was a turning point in our relationship. We’d always been close, but we started having all sorts of deep father/son conversations. No question was off the table. He asked me personal, complicated questions, and I answered as honestly as possible. One day he said, “Dad, it’s pretty cool. We get along well 98% of the time. The other 2% can’t be helped. But then we talk about it, and it’s all good.” We had an ideal father and son relationship.
And then sophomore year started. He has hit his social stride and has a gigantic friend group. He talks/texts to them all the time, and the sleepovers are frequent. And at homecoming, he met a young lady from a different school. You know what happens then…hours’ long phone/video calls. Etc.
And I’m thrilled for him. Freshman year was tough socially and academically. He was out for a month at the beginning of the year from COVID, and he never hit his stride academically or socially. But this year, it has all come together.
Much that it’s hard to admit, if I’m honest and transparent, I feel a bit replaced. He and I are still tight, but our relationship has shifted. He’s still open, but he talks more to his friends/girlfriend than to me. I know that when the s… really hits the fan, he’ll talk to his dad. But for day-to-day stuff, he has his girlfriend and peers to lean on.
Don’t get me wrong; things are still great between us. When we talked about the shift in our relationship, he told me that he’s very busy with school, soccer and his social life. He also pointed out how busy I am, so part of us not hanging out is on me. Good point. He told me that previously, he didn’t have the same competing priorities for our hangout times. Although our relationship is still a priority for him, our time together needs to be more intentional. For example, last night we planned to watch the entire (horrible) Lakers game together. KD, Captain Mommy and I put our phones away and watched until we couldn’t stand it anymore. Then, he went to his room, shut the door and connected with his girlfriend. After all, there’s a dance tonight and plans to make.
I’ve been sorting it through. I talked to Captain Mommy about my feelings, and she told me that she understands. At the same time, the changes he’s going through are good. He’s doing what he’s supposed to do. He’s only a sophomore and he has a couple years before he leaves the nest. But he’s preparing to launch, and we need to support his growing independence in the best way that we can. Apparently, there are times when your wife knows best.
So, for now, this dad is going to drive his son and girlfriend to the dance and then have date night with Captain Mommy. And that’s good. Until next time…
