In my last two blogs, Trauma, trauma, trauma & trauma? and trauma lets dive deeper, I looked at my feelings about my son beginning high school. I expected to have a really hard time with the transition. And the reality couldn’t have been further from the truth. I felt fine and was thrilled to see KD have such a good start.
Still, I was struggling with anxiety and needed to look at why. I found that other hard events in my life were twisting me unnecessarily into emotional knots. And I needed to do things differently.
And I know that I’m not “special” in the ways that I struggle coping with hard things. We all go through emotionally overwhelming events, where we can’t just shake things off and move forward. Let’s look at some concrete ways we can do things differently, and hopefully we’ll feel less disabled by the anxiety that difficult events leave behind.
When we notice that things are emotionally overwhelming, practice what I’ve talked about for years: “healthy self-talk.” In this case, we need to tell ourselves that our thoughts and feelings, destabilizing and illogical as they may seem, make sense. After all, we’ve gone through traumatic events that our mind and body aren’t equipped to handle very well. As we shift our thoughts to a kinder, gentler place, we should move toward acceptance.
Problem is, this acceptance directly contradicts our natural reactions. When someone or something hurts us, we try to avoid the pain and push the feelings down. Unfortunately, when we’re traumatized, the overwhelming thoughts and feelings tend to come back, potentially more intensely than before. Counterintuitively, when we face our feelings head-on, and tell ourselves that they’re normal and make sense, we can continue our emotional healing process.
Along with the shift in our thinking, we need to take action and seek connection with others. Unfortunately, when we’re hurting, we’re prone to getting stuck in a negative thought pattern. We might think that others won’t understand. Or they won’t want to listen. Or they’ll think we’re too emotionally needy. Or we’ll be too much of a burden. And when we get stuck in these feelings, it seems easier to close and bolt our emotional doors and isolate.
And isolation is the exact opposite of what we need. As hard as it is, when trauma is destabilizing or disabling us, we need to reach out to our friends and family for support. Even if they can’t understand exactly what we’re going through, they want to be here for us and listen to us. After all, we’d do this for them in a time of need. This connection will help.
On top of this, we really need to focus on doing the things that help us feel good and bring meaning to our lives. Some of us work out. Others like to go to the spa. Some of us like to paint. Others write poetry. Some like to meditate. Others like to pray. Some like to do yoga. Others write in their journal. Some like to bake. Others like to sing. Some like to dance. Others go to church. Some work with clay. Others volunteer. There are countless others. What healthy things can you turn to?
Frankly, there are times when acceptance, connecting with others, self-care and seeking meaning aren’t enough, and the trauma overwhelms us. Without getting stuck in the weeds of diagnostic criteria, we can sink into depression or PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress disorder.) If you’re interested, The Mayo Clinic provides a good summary of PTSD. mayoclinic.org/diseases conditions/post traumatic stress disorder/symptoms causes/
This is the right time to get professional help. If you want to know more about how therapy can help you process trauma, reach out.
Until next time…
