In Thursday’s post Trauma, trauma, trauma & trauma? l looked at the trauma I experienced from my son’s birth and early childhood. He was about to start high school, and I was wondering how it was going to go for me emotionally. I was expecting all sorts of crazy, hard emotional reactions.
Strangely, my reactions were 180 degrees different from what I’d anticipated. We took him to school and had coffee with the other parents. We’re friends with a bunch of them, and it was a calm hangout. We went home. It felt like a regular day at school.
Since then, KD and I have transitioned swimmingly. I’ve done a ton of listening to all of what’s going on in his classes. We’ve talked social stuff. He has stepped it up emotionally. After day one he wanted some clarification on math, and he went to office hours. I’ve just stayed out of his way. He doesn’t need support in the same way as he did in middle school.
But there is still a little voice inside my head that says everything isn’t exactly OK. I’m a little anxious. A little off my game. What’s going on? Let’s dive in the deep end.
Doing a quick inventory, I thought about other hard things. Lately, I’ve been a bit jumpy around loud noises like motorcycles. When they rev the engines and accelerate, it sounds like gunshots. Last summer I was at a Washington Nationals game where there was a shooting. www.nytimes.com. I’m not feeling overwhelmed by anxiety, but I still have unsettling visions in my mind’s eye.
What else could be contributing? When I was seventeen, I got in the car with a drunk driver and we had a terrible accident. I was in a coma and am epileptic. I still experience the trauma. I’m an anxious passenger. But really, I’m better now. Or at least as good, physically and emotionally, as I’m going to get. I wrote about this a few years back. We Drank and Drove. I Almost Died. I imagine it’ll be hard for me when KD drives, but that’s a ways away.
And now I’m confused. Seriously. In and of itself, nothing is overwhelming me. But I still feel anxious. After I reflect a bit, I recognize that I’m challenged by the cumulative effects of trauma. They’re stacking up, and it doesn’t feel good.
And this is my main point to you. Trauma builds on top of trauma. And the more you have, the more you’re affected. Let’s say a kid was murdered on your street growing up. (Yes, this happened on a day I was home sick.) It’s traumatic but you put it aside. Then you get bullied badly in elementary school. But the bully goes to a different middle school. You put it aside. Then there’s the Pandemic. It was hard, but now that you’re back in school, it should be better. (As an aside, the kids I see are talking about it. And they aren’t back to “normal.”) But then, let’s say a friend dies by suicide. Not only are you overwhelmingly grief filled, but the past traumas you think you’ve set aside come are still there and amplify the effects ten-fold.
When we’re overwhelmed by grief, our typical coping mechanisms aren’t enough. We end up feeling fragmented and out of control. As tempting as it is to check-out and stop trying, there are things we can do to help ourselves. Next time, I’ll take a look at them.
And as a reminder, if you’re feeling like you’re struggling and feel ready to talk things through, I’m available in my office, by Zoom, by phone, and outdoors, both at the park and for walking session. The best way to reach me is by voice or text at 916-919-0218.
