Since I opened my practice 12 years ago, I’ve found that the frequency of cutting among teens comes and goes. My experience is that it’s on the upswing again. I first published this in Valley Community Newspapers over 10 years ago. It’s worth a reprint.
Over the years, I’ve thought more deeply about the “why’s,” so I’ve expanded on the original article. This is a revised edition.
You and your teen
Coping with cutting
By STEVE DEBENEDETTI-EMANUEL
Land Park News Family Columnist
steve@rivercitycounseling.com
Not long ago, “Dave,” a 15-year-old boy, came into my office for his regularly scheduled appointment. Almost immediately, I noticed that he had about a two-inch, vertical cut on his left wrist, and I asked him about it. At first he told me that he’d brushed up against something and accidentally scratched himself, but when I challenged his story, he eventually told me that he’d cut himself with a knife.
At first, he dodged the “real” reasons he’d started. He told me that some of his friends were doing it and said it helped. They told him to check-it-out on YouTube. He told me it hurt, and he didn’t like it. And he wasn’t going to do it again. I didn’t buy it and pushed things.
When I asked what was happening in his life, he told me that the academic pressure from both his teachers and parents was really getting to him. He felt horrible and hadn’t known where to turn. Without giving it much thought, he’d cut himself, and the bad feelings went away for a little while. But before long, the feelings returned.
When I asked Dave if his parents noticed his cut, he told me that he wasn’t sure because they hadn’t said anything. As the cut was hard to miss, this left me feeling more concerned. After talking it through, Dave decided that it was be a good idea to have his parents join him for his next appointment.
At the family meeting, I helped Dave talk about his feelings and what led him to cut. I also asked his parents if they’d noticed the cut. They admitted that they had and wanted to help, but didn’t know what to do or say, so they kept silent. They were feeling guilty and helpless and were at a loss as to how to open up the conversation. This helped open the conversation further and Dave feet supported. It took a while, but he eventually got to the root of what was hard in his life. He and his parents made some changes and he stopped.
Taking a deeper look
Unfortunately, cutting is often a sign of something more serious and doesn’t just stop on its own. Sometimes, talking about what hurts deeply is too overwhelming, so teens use cutting as a way of getting out these feelings and showing others just how much pain they’re in. Other times, teens feel numb on the inside, so they cut as a way to feel something on the outside, even if it’s pain.
Either way, teens are communicating that something isn’t right and they want someone to pay attention. They’re shouting and waving their arms in hopes that you’ll notice and do something before the avalanche hits and problems get worse. This doesn’t mean that you’ll have any easy conversation. Your teen is probably going to get defensive and deny that there’s a big problem. At the same time, he or she is also going to be relieved because you’ve noticed that things aren’t OK and you want to help.
Don’t get me wrong; cutting is always serious. But on a certain level, when they’re clearly wanting you to see that they are and need help, I’m “glad!” Because when they go “underground” and they cut and conceal it, it’s an even bigger crisis. They still might leave clues out like bloody towels/toilet paper. But it’s hard to help when you don’t know.
I realize I’m getting into some nitty gritty here, but there are other things I’ve heard about lately. Kids have talked to me about the addictive aspect of cutting. Other kids have talked about being in a daze when they’re doing it, which makes it harder to stop. Also, if you notice cuts on wrists, it’s important to differentiate between horizontal and vertical cuts. Vertical can be more serious. Cutting needs to be addressed ASAP. But hearing these makes it even more serious.
Regardless, when your kids leave out the breadcrumbs and you notice, they don’t want you to freak out. You need to let your kid know that you’re worried, not angry. Tell them that you want to hear how they’re feeling and try to be open to what they say. Do your best to remain calm throughout the conversation. If you get defensive and angry and threaten to do things like taking their door off its hinges and grounding them indefinitely, you’ll probably leave your teen feeling that he or she never should have said anything, (and they’d be more likely to take it “underground.”) Help your teen seek the support of trusted adults, including a counselor, when necessary.
Damn parenting is hard!