In my last post (“The nuggets fathers bring to parenting”), I focused on the beauty and power men can bring to parenting. Briefly, just because fathers often parent differently from mothers, there is nothing inherently less nurturing or positive about how they do it.
Since posting, I’ve also witnessed sickening and disheartening examples of the damage fathers can do when they’re unable to cope appropriately with their anger and rage. Short of being able to intervene, I’m left focusing on steps fathers can take to understand better these feelings and make different, more nurturing choices.
A starting point is to examine the upbringings most men receive. Historically, boys experience parenting (and societal pressures) that discourages verbal and emotional expression of their feelings. Absent these skills, the default reaction to being challenged is to be aggressive and physical. As expected, these unhealthy ways of coping continue as boys become men and fathers. (Conversely, some men deal by suppressing these feelings, such that they’re not overtly angry and physical but just as affected negatively.)
So what are fathers to do when they learn they’re responding in ways that are affecting their families negatively? The easiest and most immediate way of behaving differently is through physical activity. Be it rugby, basketball, soccer, or hunting, some men get the physical release they need to keep their emotions in-check.
But for this to be enough, a couple of factors likely need to be present. First, it has to be ongoing. Unfortunately, we don’t have a “self-care bank” into which we can make emotional deposits in good times and withdrawals when we need them.
More subtly, some of the release comes from being in a community of other men. As much as we tend to bust each out and talk about each other’s “mamas,” we also keep each other in check, for there are certain ways of behaving that aren’t socially acceptable.
Realistically, though, physical release and casual peer social interactions often aren’t enough to help men cope effectively with their strong feelings, and some sort of self-reflection and understanding is necessary.
A safe starting place for this soul-searching is reading self-help magazines/articles/books (often purchased by their spouses/partners). Fathers are able to gather information about parenting and communication, without having to risk other men finding out. As men gain more insight, they are sometimes able to make different parenting decisions.
Realistically, most men need more than knowledge to grow as parents, and the next safest place to go is spending time with men in smaller groups. Maybe after the game, he goes for a beverage or dinner with a couple of men from his team. Over time men can let down their guards and share more personal thoughts/feelings, which can help lead to better parenting.
Unfortunately, though, building these types of friendships can take a long time, and when a man’s feelings are so strong that he feels out of control and isn’t the parent he wants to be, a quicker and more intentional and direct examination of feelings is important.
The best place to turn is to talk to someone you can trust: a therapist, minister and/or older mentor. Believe me, I know how difficult a step it is to take. When my I first started talking to someone, I was extremely uncomfortable, and I kept my guard up. At the same time, what I was doing to cope wasn’t working, and I knew I needed to do things differently. I let down my guard slowly and learned how to express my feelings in healthy ways. As time has gone on, I’ve also incorporated writing, meditation and yoga to my self-care regimen.
Of course, actively working on self-care alone is no guarantee of always responding appropriately to our feelings. There are still times when I struggle to express myself in healthy, constructive ways. Yet, I know that the self-care regimen I’ve designed helps me be as mentally healthy as possible and the parent I want to be.