My sister died on January 1, after a brief struggle with cancer. The rest of the year hasn’t been much better. Things are good at home, and I couldn’t have a better relationship with KD, our soon to be 16-year-old son. And my practice is very busy. But most of the rest of my life is hard. It’s chaotic, and I’m keeping a lot of balls up in the air. I can juggle three balls. 33, not so much…
A few months back, sitting at the kitchen table, I broke down, and said repeatedly, “I’m not doing very well.” I wasn’t.
Within a day, I got calls and texts from about 6 of my closest dude friends. Apparently, my wife is smart that way and knows how much my crew means to me. I also tried to go to the gym a bit more, did more yoga, went out for quiet coffees and a book and started seeing a therapist.
But it wasn’t enough. I realized I was anxious and trying to control people in ways I never have. And I still felt a bit depressed. I needed something to change. Gritting my teeth, I grudgingly admittedly that I needed to talk to my doctor.
When I saw her and told her my symptoms she agreed, and she suggested I try Lexapro. To paraphrase, she said, “It has some side effects, but I think it’ll really help you with your anxiety (and depression). It takes around a month or longer to kick in, but once it does, I think you’ll feel better.” And I did. Not amazingly better, but I was less anxious and depressed, and I obsessed less on things I can’t control.
The story continues
A few months later, I spent some time with T, one of my main bros in Sacramento. He’s also a therapist. Suddenly, everything was much clearer, and I was focused in a way I never had. I wondered if the Lexapro was helping with this, too. When I told him, he agreed about the Lexapro and gently said, “That’s because you have ADHD. It’s part of why you love coffee so much. ADHD meds will help you feel clearer all the time.” He showed me a diagnostic list to assess for ADHD in adult men, and I had all but one symptom.
I wanted to get the opinions of others who know me personally and professionally. I started with my wife, and she seemed somewhat exasperated and relieved. She said she has talked to me about me having ADHD for years, and it seems I’ve blown her off. (I guess our spouse knows best!) I asked my friends and colleagues, and most of them laughed and said things like, “Of course. I already thought you were on medication for it.” Finally, I asked a psychiatrist I know personally/professionally. She told me that she has always thought I have ADHD, but figured it wasn’t her place to tell me. After asking me a few questions, she strongly suggested I talk to my doctor ASAP.
There are solutions
I made an appointment, and my wife came. (It’s very helpful to talk to a loved one as part of assessing.) After asking us a bunch of questions, my doctor agreed and put me on a stimulant medication to treat ADHD. I realize that many people love and abuse stimulants, but for people who have ADHD, it just evens things out. And it does for me.
I take it when I wake up. I don’t feel hyper or euphoric. It’s a normal day. However I get way more done in a much more organized fashion that usual. But I do notice when it wears off. I’m less focused. I speak more and make less sense. I’m more hyper and all over the place. It’s weird. I know it’s time for my afternoon dose.
My friends notice a difference. T told me that he doesn’t have to reign me in like a butterfly. My therapist told me I don’t have a lot of balloons up in the air that I randomly pull down, making it hard to follow me. I just seem normal.
My medications don’t come without downsides. Weight gain is a side-effect of Lexapro, which is part of why I’m considering stopping it before long. If I take my second dose of Ritalin too late in the day, I have a hard time sleeping. My dose still needs some fine tuning, but I think it’s a good thing. I don’t have to take it every day. If I’m doing a fun activity where focus isn’t that important, I’ll skip it.
So why share so honestly? Frankly, it just helps me get my feelings out. Many people have told me that they’ve come to see me because I write so honestly, and they can relate. (And I guess that those who don’t like my writing don’t call me!) Much more importantly, my goal is to emphasize the importance of self-care. There are all sorts of things you can do, like exercising, yoga and meditation, that have no downsides. But sometimes, self-care involves doing things you wouldn’t ordinarily do. I never seriously considered medication for anxiety/depression/ADHD, but my life is extremely complicated and hard. Maybe I won’t take any medication forever, but for now if makes sense to do things for self-care that I ordinarily wouldn’t. As I’ve said around 3,000 times this year, sometimes you need to pivot and do things differently.
