In my last entry, “Get out of my room,” I shared my thoughts on teens’ need for time alone in their rooms. I encouraged parents to support this, while at the same time having expectations that their kids participate in family activities.
Readers shared their thoughts on what can happen when kids spend too much time in their room, particularly behind locked doors. In part two of my series on, I’ll discuss the topic of locks on doors and parents’ overall right to know what goes on in their kids’ rooms.
Without a doubt, teens have a need for privacy in their rooms and need to know that they can do things like change their clothes without annoying little brothers barging in. And if locked doors are necessary to ensure this, I’m OK with it. But aside from this, I’m not a big fan of locks being utilized on teens’ doors.
The reason is simple: locked doors provide way too much privacy, which provides fertile ground for all sorts of unsavory behavior, such as using/storing drugs. Of course, parents want to do all they can to discourage this sort of behavior. With this in mind, many parents wonder if it’s acceptable/appropriate to search their kids’ rooms (and other personal items, such as cars,) when they suspect drug use.
Many parents believe that going through their kids’ things is a huge violation and shouldn’t be done. And if you have no reason to believe that your child is doing anything she shouldn’t, it doesn’t make sense to do a search. It can lead to a huge breach in trust and further pulling away.
However, if you notice significant changes in your teen and you worry about his health and well-being, it’s a step worth considering. Maybe his eyes are frequently red and his personality seems different. Maybe her eating and sleeping habits have changed drastically. Perhaps his friends have changed, and his grades have fallen dramatically. Or maybe something in your “gut” tells you that something isn’t right with your teen. What you find will guide your response.
Should you find drugs and/or drug paraphernalia, alcohol or other unacceptable objects a number of consequences are appropriate (e.g. loss of cell phone/car privileges, “grounding”, etc.) It’s also worth considering modifications to his room. Taking locks off doors is common, and in some extreme situations, parents take doors off the hinges.
As expected, consequences will lead, at least initially, to increased conflict. However, as with cars and cell phones, teens will usually make more appropriate choices, if it leads to trust being rebuilt and privileges being reinstated.
In part three of my series, I’ll look at media in the bedroom and how clean is clean enough. As before, I welcome your feedback and questions.
