First, after a two-year break for COVID-19, I’m again meeting with people inside my office, in Midtown, Sacramento. If you’d like further information, call or text me at 916-919-0218. And, of course, I’m still meeting with people in the shade at the park, for walking sessions, by video and by phone.
In my last post, How to find a therapist: tips from a pro I helped people navigate the world of health insurance, so they can see a therapist in the most affordable way possible. Today, I am looking at how to navigate interpersonal relationships, particularly when we are having strong feelings and are not at our best.
I’ve had some anger and resentment building toward “Bethany” for a couple of years. This person isn’t in our friend group, but we see each other regularly. She has said some unkind things to me, both directly and under her breath. I’ve grown irritated, but I’ve laughed it off, bit my tongue and tried to let it go. Other fish to fry…
But a few weeks ago, she said some mean things directly to KD (my 14-year-old son,) and then she said the same things to me. She’d crossed the line.
I was angry and let her know it. I didn’t see red (which happened one time in higher school,) but I was hot. I doubt others heard it, but my voice was raised. I’d been suppressing my thoughts and stuffing my feelings for a while, and they came out. I was not kind. It was not pretty. I also crossed a line. But I definitely “won” the argument! And it felt awesome…for about 30 seconds.
And then I felt terrible. As I’m writing this, I’m feeling ashamed that I acted this way. I have high expectations of myself. And I didn’t meet them. I’m a super sensitive, kind person, who tries to be nice to people (sometimes to my detriment.) And I wasn’t kind. If someone spoke similarly to me, I would be hurt.
I spent a couple weeks thinking about it. I had all sorts of feelings.
Anger. How dare she speak so unkindly to my son. As I felt my blood pressure go up, I thought of all the other awful things I could say.
Guilt: I’d been mean in return, and this isn’t ok.
Justified: She has been unkind to KD, Captain Mommy (my wife) and me for a long time. I’d pushed it down for too long. You can’t always control what you say when you’re angry. Stereotypical or not, when dads feel like their family is being threatened, we go into protection mode. I was there. I’m allowed an inelegant moment.
Embarrassed and angry (at myself): If I’m going to teach people how to speak kindly, honestly and appropriately, I should walk my talk…
After grinding on it and talking with my Captain Mommy, I decided to apologize. I tend to be a bit impulsive, and I thought about contacting her then and there. But I realized I needed to spend time figuring out exactly what I wanted to say.
It can get tricky when we apologize. It’s easy to justify and qualify the apology. We can say sorry and then add a “but.” When we add a but, we should just stop, because a “but apology” isn’t really an apology. I didn’t want to apologize this way.
Instead, I recognized that I needed to focus on my behavior and own my part. What I said wasn’t ok, regardless of what she’d said and done. I didn’t not want to justify by saying a “but” statement.
Another easy place to get caught-up is apologizing, not because we’re sorry, but because we think they owe us an apology. This isn’t a true apology. We need to apologize because we’re sorry and not expect anything in response.
Making sure I was aware of both strategies, I apologized for saying unkind things. I told her I was out of line and should have spoken differently. I did not to justify my behavior. I also didn’t look for an apology.
And it went quite well. As it turns out, she has been feeling badly, too. She realizes she was out of line when she spoke unkindly to KD and me and apologized. We also committed to being cordial with each other. It wasn’t a kumbaya, group hug moment, but we left in a better place.
Until next time…