It was clear that Audrey felt that Nancy was her parents’ favorite. When they were out with friends and family, they’d highlight Nancy’s successes. Although Audrey was extremely talented artistically and won awards at school and in local art contests, they’d say next to nothing about her accomplishments. Instead, they complained about her academic struggles and how they hoped she’d focus less on art and more on her “real” schoolwork. Over time, Audrey became jealous and resentful of her sister and furious with her parents, and it was at that point that she’d started smoking marijuana regularly.
As much as we’d like to think rivalries between siblings end about the time they graduate from their pull-ups, it’s important for parents to realize that the competitions are alive and well during adolescence. Although it’s impossible to prevent sibling rivalries altogether, parents can take steps to help minimize the negative effects of the struggles.
One vital step is to strive not to compare one teen’s successes to another. If we focus on the skills and accomplishments of one child and give the other the message that they should work on developing the same skills, it’s a set-up for ill will to develop between them. Had Audrey’s parents complimented her for her accomplishments, rather than focusing on areas in which she wasn’t as talented or successful as Nancy, her struggles could have been less severe.
It’s also helpful to compliment your teen in public as frequently as possible. While she might roll her eyes and look uncomfortable, she’ll eat-up the positive attention. Had Audrey felt that she, too, was a star in her parents’ eyes, it’s likely she wouldn’t have been as affected by the positive attention they’d lavished upon Nancy.
Finally, spend quality one-on-one time outside your home with each of your teens. Let them know that they can speak freely about how they’re feeling, and listen openly to the feedback you receive. Should they give specific examples of how they’d like to be treated differently, consider them carefully and make changes when possible. This would give them the message that their feelings are valid and important. It would also increase the likelihood that they’d be open to hearing about your concerns and following your suggestions.
Fortunately, Audrey’s parents were receptive to my guidance and took steps to change how they treated her. They focused on celebrating Audrey for her artistic talents, rather than comparing her to Nancy and criticizing her when she didn’t match-up. This helped Audrey feel better, and the relationships with both her parents and sister improved significantly. Before long, she no longer felt the need to get high, and her grades started improving steadily.