If you read my last blog Our family has pivoted to life with Alzheimers you know that my wife Stephanie (aka Captain Mommy) was diagnosed recently with Early Onset Alzheimer’s, and it shattered our family’s view of the future. As our son Kevin is such a crucial part of our family support system, I asked him to write about his experiences.
LIFE WHEN YOUR MOM HAS ALZHEIMER’S
Hello everyone, I’m Kevin or KD for those of you who have read my Dad’s blog for a while. I am his 18 year old son, and my dad asked me to write about my thoughts and feelings as I’ve navigated being a child of a mom who had a bad head injury, followed by a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. To start I’m sorry but my grammar will just not be as good as my father. We often call him the grammar police around our house. ANYWAY to get to the topic I really want to talk about today.
Childhood
My childhood was what many would describe as golden. Loving parents, had everything I needed. However, when my mom got hit in the head by a cabinet working at Starbucks everything changed. If you read my dad’s last blog you know she was originally diagnosed with a concussion. For a pre teen kid to see his mom slowly declining complaining of headaches, being dizzy and losing memory, it was hard to fully understand, but once I got to high school things took a turn for the worse…
HIGH SCHOOL
Transitioning to high school for any 14 year old isn’t easy as it is. But when your mom is out of commission mostly, and you have to keep that under wraps, it becomes hard to manage school, sports, friends etc. Freshman year for me was obviously very tough without factoring being out of school for almost a month with Covid and my Aunt dying in January of that year. To add grief and more missed school to a growing list of struggles going into sophomore year.
Sophomore year
I knew some things needed to change. While I worked on myself a lot that summer one thing stayed the same. My mom was getting worse by the day. As a 15 year old my friends’ moms would make them lunch pick them up from school and other things like that. I would see things daily and think I forgot did mom used to do that for me. Looking back she probably did but it’s hard to remember. All I could see in that moment was what felt like the last dregs of my childhood slipping away. Getting picked up from school or soccer became a struggle as she would often forget and leave me there for sometimes up to an hour.
One particular night stands out as an example. I had a weekday game at Jesuit High School and my Mom was supposed to meet me at the game watch the game and then take me home. Throughout the game I didn’t see her in the stands but since it was raining I hoped she was there somewhere. After the game I quickly realized she wasn’t at the game and must have forgotten me. I ended up sitting there waiting for over an hour in the rain until finally she got there. She had gotten lost going to a place she had been a lot of times before. This for me was one of the toughest moments not only in the fact that I was cold, hungry, and getting home very late with school the next day, but in knowing that she had truly been struggling and had no help. I can only imagine how she felt knowing she was leaving her son out to dry.
LATER HIGH SCHOOL
Fast forwarding a couple of years to this summer. She had declined much more over the past couple years to a point where her doctor and therapist came to the conclusion it had to be something other than a concussion. She got a pet scan and as my dad says “it lit up like a Star Wars video game.” She had unfortunately been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. Being 17 and hearing your mom diagnosed with Alzheimer’s was obviously crushing. Although something more crushing happened yesterday. She had another doctor’s appointment where the doctor gave us a ballpark lifespan. Out of respect for her I won’t be the one to share that but to hear that opened up a hole in my heart that still hasn’t gone away and it may never go away but I’ve made peace with that.
ANALYSIS: tips and lessons
One of the many things that I have taken from all of this that I think we can all reflect on is resiliency. Not only how to bounce back when something hard happens., but how to remain strong and be a person of value. The biggest tip I would give on this is finding someone removed from the situation who you trust to talk about whatever it is with. Maybe a THERAPIST but it doesn’t have to be. Therapy isn’t for everyone. It could just be a family member on the other side of your family or even a trusted friend. Sometimes it could be your partner. Even a school counselor. Having someone who helps you think and talk through your challenges and helps you find solutions that work, helps us develop resiliency. Just find someone. I promise it helps.
Another lesson I have taken from the is find “your thing.” It could be a sport or dance or singing or art. For me that’s the gym. Just finding somewhere to put all those bad emotions to use. This helps make sure I’m able to stay strong and help out the family every day as best I can. Now I know some of you know me very well and others may not know me at all, and some of you are probably thinking what does this kid know about life lessons he’s barely 18? Look at my story I just shared. If that doesn’t prove my ability to overcome things, and that possibly you could learn a little something about resilience from me, then I don’t know what does. It’s like the Greek Philosopher Epictetus said “A wise man learns more from a fool then a fool learns from a wise man.”
Anyway, that’s all I have for now. If you liked this make sure to let my dad know there may be more to come. Thank you for your time it means more then you know to both me and the family.
Next time: I spoke with my wife/Kevin’s mom Stephanie (aka Captain) and she thinks it’s important to share a few thoughts.
