In my last post, Dad and son talk pizza and get the munchies, my son asked me about my drug use. I was 100% transparent, and it was a healthy talk. Today, I want to head in a different direction. Let’s talk about teens and cutting.
Last weekend I noticed Kevin had scratches on his wrist. I’ve worked with enough kids who cut, and this didn’t look purposeful. Regardless, I asked. He reminded me he had worked moving boulders for 6 hours the day before for a neighbor, and he got them then. Although I was 99.9% sure he hadn’t cut, this reminder about his job 100% confirmed it.
WAS IT NECESSARY?
Looking back, it wasn’t a question I “needed” to ask. Regardless, I always want him to know that I pay attention to him. I figure it’s part of being a “good” dad. So, I did.
If a parent ever asked me what to do, I would advise them to bring it up. But since it is my son, I needed perspective. I asked a Facebook group of therapists, and 22 of 22 of them said a parent should ask if they think that their kid might be cutting. This sealed the deal. I did the right thing. My son knows I’m paying attention and will ask him if I have concerns about things. Parents, if you notice cuts on your kid’s body, ask. If you have other concerns, ask. Your kids will know you’re tuned in.
BACK IN THE DAY
I’ve written a couple of columns for Valley Community Newspapers. 15+ years ago, I wrote “You and Your Teen.” This article was originally written back then. I’ve edited it over the years. So here we go in 2024.
You and your teen
Coping with cutting
By STEVE DEBENEDETTI-EMANUEL
Land Park News Family Columnist
steve@rivercitycounseling.com
Not long ago, “Dave,” a 15-year-old boy, came into my office for his regularly scheduled appointment. Almost immediately, I noticed that he had about a two-inch, vertical cut on his left wrist, and I asked him about it. At first, he told me that he’d brushed up against something and accidentally scratched himself, but when I challenged his story, he eventually told me that he’d cut himself with a knife.
At first, he dodged the “real” reasons he’d started. He told me that some of his friends were doing it and said it helped. They told him to check-it-out on YouTube. He told me it hurt, and he didn’t like it. And he wasn’t going to do it again. I didn’t buy it and pushed things.
What’s the truth?
When I asked what was happening in his life, he told me that the academic pressure from both his teachers and parents was really getting to him. He felt horrible and hadn’t known where to turn. Without giving it much thought, he’d cut himself, and the bad feelings went away for a little while. But before long, the feelings returned.
When I asked Dave if his parents noticed his cut, he told me that he wasn’t sure because they hadn’t said anything. As the cut was hard to miss, this left me feeling more concerned. After talking it through, Dave decided that it was be a good idea to have his parents join him for his next appointment.
At the family meeting, I helped Dave talk about his feelings and what led him to cut. I also asked his parents if they’d noticed the cut. They admitted that they had and wanted to help, but didn’t know what to do or say, so they kept silent. They were feeling guilty and helpless and were at a loss as to how to open up the conversation. This helped open the conversation further and Dave feet supported. It took a while, but he eventually got to the root of what was hard in his life. He and his parents made some changes and he stopped.
What are they thinking?
On the surface, cutting doesn’t make sense. It hurts. Why do it? Sometimes, talking about deep emotional pain is too overwhelming, so teens use cutting as a way of getting out these feelings and showing others just how much pain they’re in. Other times, teens feel numb on the inside, so they cut as a way to feel something on the outside, even if it’s pain.
Either way, teens are communicating that something isn’t right, and they want someone to pay attention. They’re shouting and waving their arms in hopes that you’ll notice and do something before the avalanche hits and problems get worse. This doesn’t mean that you’ll have any easy conversation. Your teen is probably going to get defensive and deny that there’s a big problem. At the same time, they will also be relieved because you’ve noticed that things aren’t OK and you want to help.
Don’t get me wrong; cutting is always serious. But on a certain level, when they’re clearly wanting you to see that they are in emotional pain and need help, I’m “glad!” Because when they go “underground” and they cut and conceal it, it’s an even bigger crisis. They still might leave clues out like bloody towels/toilet paper. But it’s hard to help when you don’t know.
Let’s look even closer
I realize I’m getting into some nitty gritty here, but there are other things I’ve heard about lately. Kids have talked to me about the addictive aspect of cutting. Other kids have talked about being in a daze when they’re doing it, which makes it harder to stop. Also, if you notice cuts on wrists, it’s important to differentiate between horizontal and vertical cuts. Vertical can be more serious. Cutting needs to be addressed ASAP.
Regardless, when your kids leave out the breadcrumbs and you notice, they don’t want you to freak out. You need to let your kid know that you’re worried, not angry. Tell them that you want to hear how they’re feeling and try to be open to what they say. Do your best to remain calm throughout the conversation. If you get defensive and angry and threaten to do things like taking their door off its hinges and grounding them indefinitely, you’ll probably leave your teen feeling that he or she never should have said anything, (and they’d be more likely to take it “underground.”) Help your teen seek the support of trusted adults, including a counselor, when necessary.
Parents, does it seem like your teen could use someone to talk to? Reach out. I can also help you figure out how to be the best parent you can be. Let’s talk. 
Note: This was written without the help of AI. This is my original work.
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