I’ve been working with “John” for a couple months. He’s one of those super bright guys who works in a highly creative field. Much of his therapy revolves around popcorning ideas back and forth with me to come up with strategies for solving problems. (Although John has given me permission to share, I’m being vague and changing details to preserve his confidentiality.)
The other day we talked about his marriage. Although his relationship is solid, he recently found himself forming a deep relationship with a co-worker. Although there was no sex involved, he has come to realize (with some help from his spouse and others) that it was an emotional affair.
We therapists would call this recognition an “aha moment.” Or you might call it one of those “holy s…” moments, where you are suddenly aware of the impacts of your behavior on those you love. John had such a moment, and he’s now working actively on taking responsibility for his emotional affair and repairing his relationship.
Figuring it out
Reflecting on what happened, he wished he’d noticed three “D’s” that were going on. Since we were popcorning, I threw out a 4th. They are Dismissal, Denial, Distance and Distraction.
John was coming to grips with the idea that he hadn’t considered that his wife might be affected negatively by his relationship. It was no big deal. In effect, her feelings weren’t important. The thought that this might be an affair never entered his mind. After all, he hadn’t had sex with her. DISMISSAL.
His wife was aware of his friendship with his coworker. She was also friends with her and never discouraged him from spending time with her. So, what was the problem with hanging out? Everything was fine…even though it wasn’t. The emotional affair was intensifying, and he wasn’t aware. DENIAL.
What he didn’t realize was that he was depending more and more on his friend for emotional support. Although he thought his relationship with his wife remained strong, he recognized that his connection with his friend was very meaningful and provided a connection in areas his wife didn’t. As this connection grew, taking DISTANCE from his wife was a natural byproduct. The emotional affair was nearing its nirvana, and he was intoxicated by it.
He and his coworker share projects that involve that creative popcorning. The enjoyment he felt from this was just part of his job, and he got caught-up in it. He had too much going on to reflect on what he was doing. DISTRACTION.
Start the healing
Like I said, when his wife learned of the depth of their emotional affair, he felt terrible and sought solutions for healing. He’s keeping it simple: turning toward her. They’ve increased their time together and are seeking out new ways to connect on a deeper level. John also recognized that he needed to take healthy distance from his co-worker. Since they’ve shared projects, it’s going to be difficult. But he has figured out ways to divide the tasks and work in other sides of the building. Any crossover will be minimal and unavoidable, and he will take steps to keep things professional. He will be acutely aware of the four “D’s”
John and I met today. He shared his thoughts and the conversations he and his wife are having. He sees progress. The grip of the 4 D’s is fading, and the connection is deepening. But he also knows he has a ways to go. They are starting couple’s counseling next week, and he’s hoping the healing from his emotional affair continues.
