Recently, several parents have raised concerns about their teenage sons and porn. So, I went home, did a Google search and was looking at hardcore porn within 30 seconds (max.) Porn isn’t my thing, and I got anxious and shut it down. I shared my experiences with them and then helped them form strategies for how to talk to their sons about it. I think the talks went well.
(Before exploring further, I want to clarify that I’m sharing from the perspective of a man who works largely with adolescent boys and has a son. I know that girls, transgendered kids, and kids who have other gender identities are also looking at porn. And my thoughts apply to them, as well.)
And then I had a “wait a minute moment.” KD is 14, and I realized that I should be talking to him, too. And I kind of freaked out. He and I speak openly about all sorts of issues; nothing is off the table. But there is something about porn that left me feeling anxious. It is a hell of a lot easier for me to advise parents than it is to parent my son.
Before talking to him, I thought through a few different scenarios. He might not even know what porn is and might take the “ick” route. Or he might say, “Yah, I know dad. I’m glad you haven’t checked the history on my phone because I’ve been watching it lately. My friends showed me at school the other day, and I loved it.” Or maybe somewhere in the middle.
My guess was that he would be closer to “ick” than the other. Captain Mommy and I don’t watch porn and we monitor his phone use, so he’s not seeing it at home. His friends are also innocent and have parents who actively supervise their media consumption. So, I don’t think he’s gotten it from them. High school is coming next year, and all bets will be off. But for now, I don’t think he’s there.
Before diving in, I also thought of Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign and how it wasn’t very successful. Life is far too complicated and nuanced for a simplistic declaration to be very helpful. What does help is multiple conversations with parents and trusted adults, in which kids are equipped with information and are prepared to make healthy decisions. Hopefully he’ll pass or at least look with a discerning eye.
So, how did it go?
As I suspected, KD was naive. In fact, he didn’t even start at the “ick” place. He had no idea what porn is (or said he doesn’t.) And once he understood, he was grossed out. He’s still at the Fortnite phase; not Pornhub… (I imagine many of you are rolling your eyes and thinking “yah right Steve. You are completely naïve to this and fooling yourself to think he’s being truthful.”) As much as he’s a teenager and sometimes “creative” with his explanations, I trust that he is telling the truth on this.
But he was interested, so I first shared my thoughts about how being curious is normal and natural, and there’s nothing wrong with it. I also let him know that he will be exposed to it, likely much sooner than later. Since we have open conversations, I told him in a very general way about how I first saw porn and how it wasn’t a positive experience for me.
Drawing a parallel to drugs and alcohol, I let him know that even if his friends are looking at porn, it’s ok for him to say, “No, I’m good without it” and move onto something else. I realize it’s not a be all end all, but I’ve talked to kids who have said things like this to their friends and have success sidestepping things.
Since I was on a roll, I took it a step further. I talked about how porn is fake sex and how it can be very damaging for teens’ budding sexuality. I also talked to him about the sexually violent backgrounds many of the women in the movies have and their participation often comes from a very wounded place. He then started squirming, his eyes glazed over, and we were done. But since then, we’ve had a couple 15 second conversations about porn. So that’s good. The door is definitely open, should he want to talk more.
Before going to the place of thinking I’m in a parenting fantasyland, I’m aware that he’ll likely look at porn. But at a minimum, I want him to be educated and watch with a skeptical eye.
Until next time.