I’ve read all of “those books.” The Grapes of Wrath, etc. in high school. My grandmother’s favorite book was An American Tragedy. I read that twice. When I taught middle school, just like kids today, we read The Outsiders. But eventually, I got tired of reading books that make me think. I think all day, so I read books that help me numb out.
One of my favorite series is by Harlan Coben. The main character is Myron Bolitar, a quick-witted guy who solves crime with the help of his psychopath friend Win. Myron kills sometimes, but typically kind of has a conscience and is conflicted about it. Win kills without a conscience.
A subplot focuses on Myron’s relationship with his parents. He was a professional athlete and lived with his parents until his 30’s. And it’s beautiful, particularly with his father. They hug and kiss when the see each other. They have meaningful conversations. They lovingly tease Myron’s mother. They tell each other how much they love each other. Even when they don’t say it, their deep connection is clear. Without going deeply into it, it taps into how I feel about my father…
Since opening my practice, I’ve noticed that the primary issues come in clusters. Sometimes it’s suspected child abuse. Sometimes it’s domestic violence. Sometimes it’s kids who are cutting and considering suicide. Much of the time there are academic challenges and dramatic conflicts with romantic interests. And there are frequently challenges with siblings and parents. (And I’m lucky that joyfulness and positive themes are there most of the time.)
One of the current clusters is adolescent boys whose dads have died. Some died after brief illnesses. Some after long illnesses. Some by suicide. Regardless, it’s beyond devastating for these boys. (I want to be very careful not to violate any of their confidentiality, so I’ll keep identifying details out of this conversation.)
One of the obvious themes I see is that boys wonder about what life would be like if their dad were living. Most are aware of how much they loved their dads and think life would be better. Most have developed a positive narrative. A common one these days is along the lines of, “I was happy and had lots of friends when I was young. After my dad died, I stopped caring. I didn’t talk to anyone. I lost my friends. Life just wasn’t the same.” (Again, please know that this isn’t about any one teen boy I see. Instead, it’s a compilation of what a few different boys said over the years. I take confidentiality very seriously.)
These boys’ moms are “better” and more caring than most. They recognize that their sons need men in their lives. They ask their brothers and father to be more involved. They also guide their sons toward male coaches, be in Scouts, connect with their “favorite” male teachers and get a male therapist. There’s always a gap but when moms help connect their sons, “dadding” is cobbled together, and they can be ok.
Dads, all our kids, regardless of gender identification and preferred pronouns, need us. But as a man who works largely with adolescent boys (and a few girls and transgendered kids) I can confidently say that, with exceptions, no one needs us more than our sons.
So, dads, what are we doing to be there for our sons? Are we prioritizing time with them? Are we putting aside our personal challenges and work to listen to our sons?
And are we taking care of ourselves physically? I typically steer clear of politics and philosophical debates when I write. But have you gotten your damn COVID-19 vaccine? Believe me, I know it’s no picnic. I was sick for three weeks post vaccine two. But the alternative is much worse. A few weeks vs my son trying to navigate life without me, made it more than a no-brainer. I’ve got bandages on both arms from the Shingles shot #2 and my MMR booster vaccine I got this morning. If I get sick, so be it. I want to be around for my son. I’m epileptic from a head injury, and I always need to take care of myself. I need to be around for my son. I have a cyst on my spine and ice every day. I’ve got to be around for my son. I tend not to weigh myself, but I know that my clothes are a bit tighter from the “COVID 15.” But I’m back at the gym. Self-care isn’t easy for me. But I’ve got to do my best. Because I want to be around for my son (and my wife.)
What things can you do to live a long life? Our sons (and obviously everyone else in our family) need us. And we deserve to be around for them.
Whether you have biological sons, mentor others’ sons or both, I hope you have a lovely Father’s Day.
(Finally, please know that I’m writing this from the perspective of being a dad with a son and am not trying to exclude anyone. I work with plenty of emotionally healthy boys with two moms, boys who never knew their dads, boys whose moms got pregnant through donor sperm, boys whose parents don’t identify with a specific gender, etc. I honor all parents…)