When I was 17, I drank beers with my best friend. We got in his car and he wrapped us around a pole. I should have been killed. Instead, I had several seizures and was in a coma for a few days. Epilepsy is a small price to pay for my impulsive, poor decisions.
The DMV pulled my license for a while, but eventually I got it back and drove for many years. Unfortunately, 8 or so years ago, my symptoms shifted, and I lost my license again.
Over time, I stabilized again, and my neurologist just gave me the ok to drive again. Now I’m just waiting on the DMV to give me my physical license. (With COVD-19, who knows how long this is going to take…)
The other day, KD (my almost 13-year-old) and I talked about my epilepsy and what happened. I told him I was a passenger in an accident where the driver had been drinking. His response, “Was your Uber driver drunk?” I giggled and told him Uber didn’t exist back then. I then told him I’d been in a car with my friend, and he’d been drinking.
And I paused…Was he going to ask me if I’d been drinking? Should I tell him, even if he didn’t ask? Should I wait for him to ask? Should I use this as a teaching moment? Or should I remain silent? I took a deep breath, started to tell him, and then bit my tongue. He didn’t ask and we moved on to other topics. I assume it’s a conversation we’ll continue at some point. Or not…Damn, parenting is hard!
It reminded me of an article I wrote years ago (before I was a parent) for my column in Valley Community Newspapers. You can find other parenting articles and about 75 parenting blogs on my website: rivercitycounseling.com.
You and your teen
Parenting and your past
By STEVE DEBENEDETTI-EMANUEL
Land Park News Family Columnist steve@rivercitycounseling.com
Growing up, my father talked once in a while about his college days in Milwaukee. He helped pay his way through school by working at a brewery where the happy hours were free, started at break times, and continued after work. Were there times when he drank too much and rolled home in a particularly giddy mood? Probably, but in the end your guess is as good as mine.
I can remember wanting to ask more questions, particularly after I started bending and breaking rules as a teen. But I never did because of some sort of unspoken rule that it wasn’t OK to ask him such personal questions. The line was clear: parents were parents and kids were kids.
We all know that times have changed. Teens have 24- hour access to information, including as many juicy details as they can stomach. If they’re getting daily updates on Tiger’s sexual escapades, then it’s not a leap for them to want to know all there is to know about their parents’ pasts. In fact, many teens believe that the Freedom of Information Act was written with them in mind.
Keep in mind that your teens are curious and want your guidance, and it’s your job to do your best to prepare them for adulthood and making responsible decisions. It’s appropriate to share information about your past, but you need to think about what and why you share. As you consider how to respond, there are several thoughts to keep in mind.
Be aware that we all have events from our past that feel uncomfortable or shameful. If you’re hesitant or not ready to answer their questions, by all means don’t. Tell your teens that they’re asking good questions, but you’re not going to answer them. Then hold firm and don’t give in to their persistent questioning.
It’s also important to answer only the question that’s asked. Anticipating and answering questions that haven’t been asked can have unintended consequences. If your daughter asks you if you ever knew anybody who got pregnant by accident, answer briefly and then wait patiently for her next question. If you get anxious and keep talking, you could blurt out information like, “Yeah, it happened to a friend and she dropped out of high school. I’m worried that this is going to happen to you, too.”
By making this assumption, you’d miss a valuable opportunity to help your daughter. Perhaps her concerns are really about her friend, and you’ve both drawn an incorrect conclusion and missed an opportunity to provide important information. And if she is pregnant, she’s going to need ongoing support, not negative predictions for her future.
Finally, be clear on why you’re answering questions. If you share personal information as a way of opening up a dialogue and teaching a lesson, do so carefully. However, if you’re answering and finding yourself enjoying the memories, rather than focusing on what you hope your teen will learn, stop. Your teens are asking because they’re curious and want to learn from your experiences. They’re really not interested in your “glory days.”
Looking back, I wonder if I might have made different choices had I known more about what my father did and the mistakes he made. I’ll never know, but I am aware that today’s parents have many opportunities to share valuable information and influence their teen’s choices. Just be clear on what and why you’re sharing.
Steve DeBenedetti-Emanuel is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in the Sacramento area. Steve’s columns appear periodically in the Valley Community Newspapers. Ask Steve your questions – e-mail him at steve@rivercitycounseling.com.