I first posted this in February, 2019, prior to the COVID-19 pandemic. I was worried then, but at least they had opportunities to connect at school. Today, since most are meeting remotely, I’m even more worried.
If you notice that your son (or daughter) are struggling mightily, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional. If you live in California, I am available for remote counseling.
(Disclaimer: I’m well-aware that some kids are perfectly fine not going to school. Kids were terrible to them, and by staying home they’re able to avoid the bullying…)
One from the archives…
Suicide rates are up. According to the Center for Disease Control, it’s at its highest rate in 50 years. It has risen by 33% between 1999-2017. The risk factors are unlimited: mental illness, addiction, poverty, etc.
One risk factor that doesn’t get mentioned very often is isolation, specifically for boys and men. By virtue of their isolation, males often don’t talk about their feelings and reach out for help. And the results can be devastating. But there are things we can do to help minimize the risk
Back in the day I counseled at an elementary school that had a junior high playground. One day at recess I noticed that, without exception, all the boys played street hockey and all the girls stood in a circle and talked. Rather than thinking about the “whys,” I just noted it and moved on.
Fast forward to the present day: maybe the boys who played street hockey together would now play on competitive soccer and/or travel baseball teams. They are probably in a number of group texts and also play X-Box live together. They may not talk overly deeply, but they share common experiences and feel included. They are connected.
But let’s assume there is a boy named John who has none of these. Maybe he isn’t a good athlete. Maybe he doesn’t play video games. Maybe he doesn’t have a friend group. Maybe he goes home every day and spends time by himself. Maybe every once in a while he goes on-line and tries to connect with kids on Instagram or the platform of the moment, but he strikes out. Or even worse, he’s bullied. He’s damaged, hurt, disconnected and alone. (I’m getting sad constructing this hypothetical…because honestly, it’s a story I hear.)
Best case: he realizes that middle and high school are brutal, and he throws himself into academics and finds solitary hobbies. He limps along and gets to college and figures it all out. He connects with some really solid people and thrives. He’s ok…
Lesser good case: he figures out ways to connect, but in negative ways. He steals his parents’ alcohol and shares with his “friends.” Or he steals money from his parents for drugs and shares with other “friends.” He does anything he can to connect with his peers. Best case, he escapes relatively unscathed and figures things out later in life. And ultimately he’s “ok.”
Worst case: he sits in his room alone all day. At first, he probably spends hour after hour playing video games and on YouTube, numbed out to the rest of the world. But then he migrates to porn and trolls the Dark Web. Without any help, he gets depressed, starts cutting, uses drugs, thinks about hurting himself, attempts suicide, commits suicide.
But let’s assume John powers through all of this and makes it to adulthood. And he seeming has it all. He has a good job, gets married and has kids. And he’s a good dad. Maybe he helps out coaching his son’s baseball team (even though he has no idea what he’s doing!) Maybe he volunteers in his daughter’s classroom. Maybe he learns how to play guitar and joins a band. Everything looks great.
But behind this, things aren’t ok. John has never learned how to make solid connections and feels really isolated and alone. And like when he was a kid, he goes to those really dark places: depression, drug abuse, pornography, endless video games, the Dark Web, and other addictions. Without intervention, he may have suicidal thoughts. Suicide attempts. Suicide.
So the question I pose to parents is what are we doing now to ensure that our boys form as many real relationships as possible before they hit adulthood? I understand that screens are a big part of our sons’ lives, and they sometimes provide positive social interactions with their peers, but we need to limit the time our boys spend on-line. (For more on this, the film Screenagers is fabulous!) To support our son’s ability to express themselves verbally, we need to have as open and honest a dialogue as we can. We parents, (especially dads) need to figure out how to talk about our feelings, even if it feels uncomfortable. Let your son know it’s ok to cry. We can eat meals together as a family. We can have screen free nights. If our teens are struggling to connect with other kids, are there adults that they could connect with: a teacher, a pastor, a therapist? And there are many other ways. Bottom line, we need to do everything we can to help our sons form real connections and help decrease their isolation.
Until next time…
I can be reached at 916-919-0218 and steve@rivercitycounseling.com. My Facebook Page is River City Counseling and I’m on Twitter @rivercitysteve.