It’s quarantine time! It’s time to isolate. Don’t leave your house unless you need groceries! Wear a mask if you do! Stay 6 feet away! It’s logical. It’s a no-brainer.
Problem is, the isolation is a major contributor to a mental health crisis for our kids. The growing number of kids (and adults) who are anxious, depressed, drinking and abusing drugs, suffering from nightmares, cutting, thinking about suicide, attempting suicide, and committing suicide astound me. And it’s going to get worse.
In an attempt to combat this, we need to be creative in helping decrease our kid’s isolation (beyond Zoom calls.) It’s not my job to contradict medical advice and give specific parenting advice, but we need to figure out ways to help our kids connect with their friends. (Who would ever have thought our kids would complain so much about not going to school…)
Unfortunately, though, the isolation has done some serious damage, and for some kids, seeing their friends won’t be enough. As much as we parents are also deeply traumatized, we need to do our absolute best to put aside our own anxiety, fear, and depression to help take care of our kids emotionally. Encourage them to talk about what’s bothering them. No matter how ugly their thoughts are, tell them that you want to hear them. Buy them art supplies so they can paint out their feelings. Encourage them to write poetry or short stories to get out their feelings. Buy a punching bag on Amazon, even though you won’t get it for a month. Encourage them to try meditation. Yoga. Wind sprints. Anything…
We all have our limits for how much we can take, and we can “snap” quickly. So it’s crucial for us to do emotional check-ins with our kids on an ongoing basis. Our kids might seem fine one day but the next could be spiraling downward. Although I’m trying to limit my exposure to media, I keep seeing pictures of smiling, well-adjusted kids who spiral downward quickly and commit suicide before their parents notice things have turned.
(As I write this, I realize that I’m not following my own advice. So, I did a check-in with KD, my 12-year-old, and he groaned and rolled his eyes. Apparently, I’ve checked in with him more than I thought. Just like the last three times I asked, he’s feeling bored and more irritable than usual. But generally ok. I’ll accept this but keep asking…)
Because your kid has always seemed so happy and well adjusted, you might not even notice it. But when you catch you child spiraling or just struggling, don’t hesitate to seek out a therapist. There are plenty out there doing teletherapy by Zoom, FaceTime and a variety of Google platforms. Call your doctor to tell him/her how your kid is doing and ask for a referral. You can also look on-line. (Psychology Today, GoodTherapy.org, or a regular Google search are the best places to find therapists.) Remote therapy isn’t for everyone. There are still therapists seeing people in-person.
I realize I’m being a bit of an alarmist. But since our kids’ typical means of support (e.g. the quick chats they have with their teachers after class and time with their sports’ coaches) aren’t available, it’s necessary for them to get support somewhere. I feel compelled to shine a light on the crises that some of our kids are in. It’s easy for us to get caught-up in our own “stuff,” which could involve working from home. Don’t take for granted that they’re “ok.” Keep your eyes open.
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MORE THOUGHTS
I hung out the other day with my therapist buddy TP, and we talked about graduations and how hard it is that our kids are missing them. Thank goodness for virtual graduations.
But as we talked on, we concluded that graduations, kind of like weddings, are just a day. Do any of you think your life is better because you had high school/college graduations?
The cap didn’t fit, and the gown was made of heat absorbing polyester. Then the speaker got up there and talked about how the “world is your oyster.” and you tuned out and fantasized about your seafood celebration later that night. Next you knew it the guy whose locker was next to you for four years (because of alphabetical order) elbowed you. You’d fallen asleep. Then you shuffled across the stage and, like everyone else in your class, handed the president a champagne cork as you shook hands. Done! Forgotten!
Graduation is just a day everyone. So get on your computer and do the virtual event or drive by school and yell obnoxious things at the teacher who was on you to “reach your potential.” Then get take-out.
Like a wedding, the important stuff starts the next day. And our graduates are being launched into a terrifying world, not wanting to touch the parachute due to fear of getting the virus. There isn’t a soft landing…
Short of going overboard with the pessimism, our kids are entering a world in which they need to develop intense resilience much earlier than we had to. We gallivanted around Europe. They are going to try to get a job and quickly realize that their best options are Postmates, Lyft and Uber. This will be the time our kids are really going to need our support.
In the meantime, does The Melting Pot do takeout? Let’s eat fondue…