“Hey dad, are you going to coach our basketball practice today?” Without thinking about it, I told him I would. He gave the immediate, enthusiastic, “Yes!!!” And I was committed.
And then my mind went crazy with a bunch of reasons not to. Bottom line, without being overly dramatic, I’m pretty much crippled these days. I have nerve damage in my back and without pain meds I can’t walk without crutches. With the meds, I can walk short distances around the house. But a basketball coach needs to be able to move and demonstrate things. And I couldn’t do that. A few weeks back, I told the head coach, Jeff, that I needed to back out.
KD (my 12-year-old) is an incredibly optimistic, flexible kid, and he understood why I couldn’t coach. So, he suggested we do things that I can do from the couch. I collected coins as a kid, so he and I have gotten into that. And we’ve already played countless Scrabble games. (He wants to play Monopoly, but I’ve nixed it because it’s too far for me to reach to move my piece. A small “win” for me.) Still, understandably, basketball is our THING, and I knew he was really disappointed I’d backed out.
Saturday was the first game of the season, and as I watched warm-ups, I felt the urge to get out there, and against my better judgement, I asked coach Jeff if could help. He was surprised but was happy to have me in the mix. At first, I stood off to the side, not wanting to get hit standing on crutches. But by the end of the game, I was on the bench. I was in-pain and didn’t have much to say, but I was in the mix. And at the end of the game, Jeff told the parents I’d returned from medical leave and was back. Oh boy!!!
Overnight, my mind churned and I was really worried that I’d overcommitted. I was worried about how much pain I was in and I doubted I could physically do it. The little voice inside my head told me that since I really don’t have much to add, I shouldn’t do it. The little voice also reminded me I’d already disappointed KD once when I’d backed out, and I didn’t want to do it again. So, when it was time to suit up for practice yesterday, I threw on my sweats and hit the court.
As practice started, I felt pretty insecure and vulnerable because I felt like I didn’t have anything to add. And even though he’d announced it to the team and parents, I double-checked with Jeff that it REALLY is ok. After all, he coached alone last year and doesn’t NEED my help. He is fine with me helping.
At first, I stood silently over by the side, listening to Jeff. He knows the game and is gifted with kids. Then, I realized that even though I’m on crutches, I work with kids and know the game. Two minutes later, I was in the mix, piggybacking on things Jeff said. I couldn’t get in a defensive stance, but I think I helped. After practice we talked strategy and how to address kids with their individual learning styles. I felt relevant. I felt useful. (And sidebar. Jeff can’t come to the game or practice next weekend. So guess who is the coach…Big sigh.)
Last night, I analyzed my thoughts and feelings, and realized that a big part of initially backing out what that I was caught up in my male ego. I am a MAN, and being a man means doing stuff. And since I felt I couldn’t add anything I’d bailed out.
Then it hit me for the hundredth time that KD really doesn’t care what he does with me. Be it coins, board games, baseball cards or just talking about life, hanging out is what counts for him. The fact that it’s basketball is icing on the cake.
It’s our job as dads not to get caught up in being what dads are “supposed” to be. When we do, we give away the opportunity to be what our kids need us to be. I want KD to learn that being a man and parent, if he ever is, means more than showing kids how to “do things.” Sometimes it’s important just to be…
Until next time…