When someone fights in war and sees people killed, nightmares are inevitable. If you’re in a bank that’s robbed, flashbacks make sense. These extreme reactions are very clear symptoms of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD.) And they can be disabling. No one should have to live with them.
Other times, bad stuff happens and we have negative reactions. Maybe we don’t have nightmares or flashbacks, but we might find ourselves feeling really anxious and on edge most of the time. We might have a sense that something bad is going to happen. We might feel detached from others and lonely. These are more subtle but also signs of PTSD.
When KD (my now 11 years old son) was an infant and through his first three or four years he was sick pretty much all the time. He was in the NICU and PICU four times. He didn’t breathe well and seemed to cough nonstop. I took him in the bathroom full of steam to help him breathe 5-6 nights/week. For a couple of years, it seemed like the only time he was healthy was when he was on antibiotics. For a little bit, his doctors thought he had Cystic Fibrosis. He didn’t. And then his brilliant doctor figured it out and treated him appropriately. Pretty much immediately, his health was “normal.” He gets sick like any other kid, and gets well like most other kids.
I was pretty traumatized by it all and diagnosed with PTSD. Not the nightmare/flashback type. Instead, I had the more subtle symptoms. I felt anxious and on-edge a good bit of the time. I was more irritable than usual. I worried that bad things were going to happen. But with some professional help and the passage of time, I eventually moved through it. Like KD’s health, my mood returned to normal.
Lately, KD has been sick again. After listening to him cough for so many years, my brain is wired to know when it’s a serious cough. And his serious cough was back last week. The cough that wakes me up and leaves me on the fence about whether or not I would get up to take him in the steam and maybe to the hospital. A few times I thought, “Ok, if he coughs five times, I’m taking him into the steam.” Really, a person shouldn’t have to be woken up and then start counting his kid’s coughs.
My wife and I pulled out all the old tricks. Elevate his mattress. Hook up his humidifier. Change the filter on his air purifier. Spoonful of honey. Ricolas. And other stuff. A couple of times I thought/said, “We’ve done all of our tricks and nothing is working.” All we could do was sit with KD, stroke his back and hope the cough went away. That was not a good feeling.
Ok, we caught some breaks and never went to the ER or urgent care. But still, they initially couldn’t figure out what was wrong. They tested for everything and they were all negative. So they just threw him on some antibiotics and figured they’d do the trick. And they sort of did, at least for a little bit.
Still, this not knowing really pushed my buttons, because this exact stuff used to happen. He’d be super sick, so they put him on any number of drugs, hoping something would stick. Whatever it was that made him better worked for a week or so, but then we were right back where we started.
At some point, they figured out he had pneumonia. And I was relieved. They put him on new antibiotics, and he started getting better within a day or two.
Something isn’t right when a parent is relieved to know that their kid has pneumonia. After all don’t people sometimes go to the hospital from pneumonia? Don’t kids and older adults sometimes die? Still, kind of like how relieved I was to know that he didn’t have cystic fibrosis, it was oddly reassuring to know. Because once they knew, they could treat with the right meds.
As one would expect, my mood has taken a beating. Fortunately, I haven’t had any nightmares or flashbacks. But still, I’ve had some pretty crappy feelings. I’ve been beyond irritable. Ask my wife and son. I’ve also felt really anxious, which isn’t making me happy. I also feel emotionally detached and feel worried that we’ll be off to the hospital pretty soon. I’m also pretty socially isolated. I’ve thought about reaching out to my friends a number of times but haven’t because, “they won’t get it.” I’ve just stuffed down my feelings and focused on helping other people work through their challenges.
Fortunately, this stuff has gotten old and I’m starting to come out of my funk. I’m going to the gym as many days a week as possible. I’ve also started writing in my journal again. I wrote more days than not for 20 years, but I’d let it slip. Still, it’s a good way to get stuff out. I’ve been meditating and doing yoga, both of which help me keep my mind at bay. I’ve reached back out to my friends and am having coffee with two of them this week. I’m not so worried that they won’t understand. AND, I’ve contacted a couple different therapists. Because it’s good for therapists to go to therapy.
Until next time…
And a small reminder that even though the days in Sacramento are hot, the mornings are still a perfect temperature for a walk-and-talk therapy session. If you don’t want to go outside the house, I also offer remote sessions. Send me a message to learn more.