A common question I hear from parents is: should I pay and/or give my child special privileges for doing chores and/or getting good grades?
When it comes to chores, kids should be expected to do certain tasks, just because they’re part of the family. I’ve worked with families who pay their children for every chore they do, no matter how small. Aside from it being extremely complicated to administer, it gives kids the message that they should expect to get something for everything they do. And life doesn’t work this way…
At the same time, it’s appropriate to reward kids for larger tasks. (It’s up to you to decide what’s large enough.) Be very specific on what these tasks are. Don’t simply tell your child to do the yard work. Instead, tell them your expectations for what to do (e.g. mowing the lawn, raking the leaves, weeding the flower beds, etc.) and show them how you expect things to be done.
Once you’ve rewarded your child for tasks done well, supervise how the money is spent. First, mandate that a percentage of what they earn goes into savings, either for college or a long-term purchase, such as a car. This teaches kids the importance of delayed gratification; you don’t always get what you want, when you want it. But if you set goals and make good decisions on an ongoing basis, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Then continue to monitor how the rest of the money is spent. You have the right to veto purchases that you find inappropriate (e.g. violent video games.) If you hear the “It’s my money and I’ll do what I want with it!” argument, gently remind them that you still have a say in what they buy. (And in the case of video games, remind them that they’re still using the electricity you paid for to power the games they play…)
A common concern I hear from parents is that they’re not willing to bribe their kids by paying them to do things they already should be doing. As much as I understand their point, it’s worth looking at this from different perspectives. First, a bribe is something you get BEFORE doing what you’re asked to do. While a reward/extra privileges come AFTER doing what you’re asked to do.
If children get something before they do what they’re supposed to, they have little incentive to complete the task. On the other hand, if they know that they’re going to get something they want after completing a task, they’ll be more likely to do it. So hold off on giving them their privileges until after they complete the task.
I also wonder how being paid/getting special privileges for doing larger tasks is so different from adults earning a regular paycheck. After all, if you do what you’re supposed to do at work, you get paid. Is it all that much different when your kids are paid for work they’re asked to do?
When it comes to academics, it’s acceptable to reward children for good grades. It can be a certain amount (or special privileges) for every “A” and a bit less for every “B.” (For kids who are more challenged academically, the scale should be adjusted.) By “A’s” and “B’s” I mean grades earned at the end of the term. Don’t reward your child for every grade earned for homework and quizzes. Not only would you need a full-time admin to keep track day-to-day, but you’d also go broke along the way.
In a perfect world, our kids would be perfect. They’d do what we asked when we ask them. But the reality is that teens don’t always do things satisfactorily, on their own, without incentives. Yet, when they’re motivated by privileges, it’s magical how quickly and well they can complete tasks.