The age varies, but at some point almost all parents hear a resounding “get out of my room” from their kids. Cuddly children who like to hang out and share openly about their days, turn into aliens who sigh, roll their eyes, and mumble one word answers when you ask innocently about their days. Then they head directly to their rooms, not heard from again until dinner.
After getting over the shock from the drastic change, parents wonder if their kids’ behavior is normal. As you might guess, the answer is a resounding “YES!” Your family is no longer the center of your kid’s life. Instead, it’s the peer group that reigns supreme. Your child would much prefer social media and texting friends, in order to receive word of crucial happenings in real-time, to sitting and chatting with you.
The reason for this is simple. Developmentally, your teens are preparing for adulthood, when they’ll have to navigate the majority of life’s challenges on their own (or with the help of peers/romantic partners.) To prepare for this, they need to have a sense of their own space and autonomy, and it’s difficult to do this when they spend all their spare time with you and turn to you for answers to all life’s problems.
With this in mind, it’s pretty tempting to put in your ear buds when they come in the door and vacuum until you hear the door to their room close. And on some days, that’s probably your best option. At the same time, it’s important to keep in mind that they’re still members of the family, and they’re expected to be present and participate in family activities, both inside and outside the house. In addition, remember that they’re not yet adults and still need your guidance, which they won’t get if they spend all their time in their rooms.
When you’re at loggerheads daily with your teen over how much time they spend in their room, it’s time to have a talk about your concerns. Both acknowledge your teen’s need for space and share your expectations that he not hole up in his room all day and night. Have in mind what you need (e.g. dinner as a family, watching shows together, etc.) and listen to his thoughts and feelings. If teens feel that their needs for space and autonomy are being considered and respected, they’re usually open to being reasonable. It can be a win-win for everyone.
This is my first in a series on your teen’s bedroom. In the future, I’ll cover topics such as should you demand that her room be clean? Is it ok to put on or take off a lock from their door? Should I worry about the video games, television set, etc. in his room? And more… As always, I welcome your comments and feedback.